Day Thirty-Nine: Healing

I’m pretty sure this is day 39… I kind of lost track with not doing this daily anymore.

Not much has changed since my last entry. He’s still putting in the work. We’re still going to therapy every week. We’re still working on healing and doing devotionals together and he’s going back to church with me and the kids and he’s been talking to someone from church he’s comfortable with. On the surface, everything is fine.

I don’t think I’m fine though. I have built up walls so high and I’m so guarded that I think I’m actually the problem now. I love my husband and I want our marriage to work and be “fixed.” I’m just in such a funk and I can’t get out of it. I’m not sad. I don’t feel anxious. I just feel… bleh… I’m unmotivated and I don’t want to do anything. I want to be left completely alone and don’t want to be alone all at the same time. TMI coming…

I feel like you know the nitty gritty of my life now, so something TMI probably isn’t out of the question anymore… Our sex life is great, as per usual, but lately I’ve been the problem. I’m not in the mood but I do it anyway. He doesn’t force me or anything. I just struggle in my own mind because “is this the way he kissed her too?” “Is this how he did it with her?” “Did he tell her he loves her during like he does me?” Those are my issues right now. I hate that. I hate that I’m thinking about her when I’m with my husband. I hate that this is the damage that has been done and I question these things.

Coming from a broken home, I thought I knew what it felt like to have your husband have an affair. I just knew it from the child’s perspective. Up until now, I didn’t realize the damage it causes the wife. The horrible thoughts that are so consuming. The physical pain it brings, even after healing begins. The insecurities and feelings of worthlessness and questioning if this whole thing was really your fault and what could I have done differently? Because of one action, I’m questioning myself.

I saw a video this morning about Lot’s wife – for those of you that don’t know that story, she was told not to look back and when she did, she was turned into a pillar of salt. Most people think she turned to a pillar of salt because she disobeyed God, which is true. But there is deeper meaning there. We aren’t meant to look back. We’re meant to look forward. Stop looking back at the past and pain and abandonment and storms God is trying to deliver you from. Look forward to the future He promised He’d bring you to. You can’t move forward if you’re still looking back. So I need to stop looking back at what happened and look forward to where He is taking me and my husband and our marriage. I just don’t know how, and that’s where I’m struggling. How do I silence those lies from the enemy? How do I ignore what I’m being delivered from when it’s barely behind me anyway?

God always keeps His promises. That I fully know. I know He will bring me to the other side of this eventually, in His timing. His timing is so much better than mine. He’s growing me in this process and changing me. I don’t want to look back, I only want to look forward at His promises for my life and my  marriage.

Here’s to day 39… I think…