Day Seven: Healing Through Divorce

I decided this morning that if I made it through the whole day without crying, I’d try to take my ring off. I haven’t been able to do that yet. The thought of taking it off has been giving me anxiety. I have worn this ring for more than 5 years. It’s a part of me and gives me a piece of my identity.

Corey’s wife. It’s who I’ve been for the last 5 years. His other half. His BETTER half. I was his best friend, his biggest cheerleader and biggest supporter. I carried what he couldn’t and vice versa. He was MY best friend. He was the one person I could talk to about anything without feeling ashamed or judged. He was my person. The very best choice I’ve ever made.

But I’m not that person anymore. I’m not Corey’s wife anymore. I don’t know how to be anything BUT Corey’s wife though. Yesterday I did the self care thing and tried to remember who Annie was again, but at the end of the day, it was exhausting. I’m slowly trying to remember how to be Annie again instead of Corey’s wife. My whole world revolved around him and our marriage. Now it doesn’t and I have the opportunity to completely revamp my world that once revolved around another person. My other half.

My cousin had a Memorial Day party today, so I spent the day with family. Kids were running around with water guns being loud and crazy, adults were talking and laughing and just having a good time. One of my cousins asked where Corey was and my response was “I don’t know, probably with his girlfriend” and he busted out laughing thinking I was joking. Until I started crying. Then people started asking me what happened and it took me a second, but I managed to pull it together and tell my family how my marriage fell apart. I cried again when my cousin’s wife gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek.

I still took my ring off tonight. It was hard and I wanted to put it back on, but I can’t move on if I’m still wearing it. Still wearing it is almost saying I still have hope that he’ll come back home. I don’t want him to. Not the way he was. I want the version of Corey he pretended to be to come home.

But he doesn’t exist. So here’s to day seven of healing. One day closer.