Day Nine: Healing Through Divorce

Dear Husband,

I love(d) you unconditionally. Through all the crap. Through all the narcissism. Through all the love bombing and turning things around on me and you not caring when I would be upset or crying.

We were apart for 7 years and STILL managed to find our way back to each other. You have had my whole heart since I was 16 years old. It’s incredibly hard to teach myself to NOT love you. Even through all you’ve put me through. It’s the trauma bond.

You blame me for you having an affair. You say I didn’t give you enough attention. I always put the kids first. But when you have an issue, you open your mouth, you don’t have affairs. If you want more time with me, you ask for it. You say you don’t care about us not being together, but if you don’t care, why are you so mad at me? You say you’re fine, but you also keep forgetting that I know you better than anyone else. I know you better than you know yourself.

Why do I keep trying to get you to see that I love you? Why is it so hard for me to let go? Because you’re my favorite person. You’re my ONLY person. You have always been my only choice. I wish it was the same for you. I wish you were capable of loving me the way I love you. I wish you weren’t a narcissist. I wish your eyes would be opened so you can see what you let go of again.

You gave up 80% to go after the 20% you weren’t getting from me. Instead of just opening your mouth and trying to fix what was broken. You chose to throw it away for that 20%. You’ll see one day and you’ll regret it. By then it will be too late. I’m working on my healing. I’m working on learning to love myself unconditionally instead of you. I’m learning to stop loving you. It’s literally the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I’ll be able to do it eventually.

But for now, I love you

Love,

Your Wife

Day 9 didn’t go great. We started arguing last night. Well, he did. I didn’t… He made sure to blame me yesterday and today for our marriage falling apart. Like he usually does. He made me lose any sense of self worth I had started to gain back. Today I cried. I cried because I’m tired of loving him. I cried because he isn’t capable of loving me the way I love him. I cried because I still pray for him. Not necessarily our marriage, but for him. For his heart. I pray that God completely breaks him. Completely crumbles his foundation and brings him to his knees. Whatever it takes for him to see what he does to people. What he did to me. I pray he gets the help he needs for his narcissistic behavior.

He’s hurt and broken. Hurt people hurt people. He says he’s fine, which I know is crap because his whole world fell apart. He’s now working even more than he was before so he can pay for 2 residences. He’s stretched so thin and so stressed and so hurt that his girls won’t speak to him. Neither one of them want anything to do with him. I invited him to come to therapy with me tomorrow so he can work on him. He won’t take accountability though. We all know he won’t. He doesn’t want to take accountability. He wants me to play the villain in his story so he can play the victim.

Here’s to day 9. It sucked. Hopefully day 10 is better.