Day Five: Healing Through Divorce

I don’t even know what to say about today. It was hard. All of my days this week have been hard. He has been gone for one full week, but officially moved out 5 days ago.

He moved into his apartment today. That realization was incredibly hard. I knew it was coming, obviously, but the fact that he moved in was the final nail in the coffin. My marriage is for SURE over.

I mean, it was over when he decided to have an affair with my friend. But you know what I mean… At least when he was staying in the hotel, there was a little bit of hope that he would wake up and realize all he was throwing away and decide to come back home to me and our kids. That didn’t happen today…

A guy friend asked if I wanted to get out of the house today. He knows how much I’ve been struggling this week. I started getting ready and stopped before I even started my makeup. I cried uncontrollably instead for a solid 30 minutes. I felt like I was betraying my marriage and my husband. Even though he is just a friend who was trying to cheer me up, I felt like I was the one having an affair. I asked another friend to come along to ease that feeling. I needed to get out of the house today. I’ve been stuck here inside these 4 walls all alone for 5 days now. I’m glad I went. I got to just be me again instead of his wife. I have managed to forget who I was in the last 6 years. I have always been the kids’ mom or Corey’s wife. I haven’t been Annie in a really long time and tonight my friends let me be her again. It took me 30 minutes of uncontrollable crying to get there, but I got there.

I still can’t take my ring off. I’m nowhere near ready. I’ll get there eventually. Corey has had my whole heart for 18 years. Even when he wasn’t here, he still had my heart. So I know this will take time. And it’s going to continue to be so painful, but I also know I’ll have good days mixed in with the bad. Today is the first day he didn’t text me at all. And while that’s what I want and need to heal, it was still incredibly difficult to not talk to him.

Today was rough, but tonight was great and I made a huge accomplishment by just being ME again. So here’s to day 5 of healing. One day closer.