just because of who i am (a young woman)

i’m not sure i can do this.

after interviewing him i feel like i gave off an impression of being inept– maybe i was just overly conscious and reading into the question of “so just to clarify, this position will be direct report to P’s position, which you will be stepping into?” why am i nervous about interviewing someone for a job? i already work here. if they can’t work for a young woman that’s their problem.

but it feels like it’s my problem.

i think that’s why it scares me. if someone gives off the impression that they’re not really interested it feels like it’s because of me. i feel like if whoever i hire doesn’t do a good job it’s going to reflect poorly on me. i don’t want to decide against hiring someone if they have a bias against me because if i wasn’t me they wouldn’t have the bias. or if they would have the bias it wouldn’t come into play because they wouldn’t be working for me.

i feel like my position as not only a young woman in tech, but a young woman in tech stepping into a director role, is going to determine the success of the department before any work even gets done, just because of who i am.