betrayal

I feel that my heart is betraying me, for so long i had a tight leash on it,restricting every beat, letting it grow a nice thick skin, and now that i have let it out for a walk (so to speak) i feel that it is already leading me down a path that i fear i cannot go.

I dont know where along my journey in life that i learnt to keep a reaign on my emotions, but it has become so comfortable to be this way, like wearing your favourite hoodie jumper, you put it on and you know that you feel all nice and snuggle and warm … safe … it doesnt matter about the few holes in the cuff of the sleeve, or the fact that the zip just doesnt seem to budge, it doesnt matter how many new ones that people buy you to wear, nothing fits like that old favourite.  Thats how i have become with my heart .. with my life .. with my deepest desires, bottling them up and keeping them safe and warm … comfortable.

I know you cant truely live life without fear, that at times you just have to put yourself out there and you will get hurt.  Its not the hurt that im afraid of … its not the failing that i fear …

Its the puting the pieces back together again, the next time … they just wont fit.