because it has been longer than long

I have been on here every day for the past hmmm 23 days, yet i have not written a single entry … I cant stay away – mainly because 2 people are doing the nomojo thingy and i have to come on to see what they have written … i would so have failed miserabely at that …

So  … what to write …

I turned 29 ten days ago, such an insignificant number holds so many emotions, and even now i struggle to share them … i guess shareing them would mean that i would have to accept them myself.

See .. i have become a bit of a shadow you see, no one really knowing where it is i am, what it is i am doing … thinking … its not because i have so much going on in my life that i have little time for any of you … infact the opposite … its not that i dont have the time, want or wish to … its that i write anyone of giving a damn about me before i even let them have the chance.  I may have let the walls around me crumble many years ago, but you see … i laid the bricks originally, i know them intimately and can replace them without hesitation.

I have a new little nephew, he is 12 days old today, he is tiny, fluffly, and has stolen my heart completely.  I can’t cuddle him into my chest because i have to hold him such a way that we are face to face and i can just stare at him, watch him … every little breath, purse of his lips, yawns, eyebrow raises (cutest thing ever on a baby), smiles caused by gas … everything that is he just mesmorises me and my heart swells.  He is such a content happy little boy and i cant stop staring at him.  My neice on the other hand i cant stop but drown in hugs and kisses, today she and I were helping my mum and dad get the clothes of the washing line, i held her up and took the pegs of a towel, she would pull it off and then hand it out to my dad saying ‘its for Pa’  my dad would take it and say thankyou and my neice goes ‘your very welcome my pa’  – oh it was just the cutest, after the 5th time of this i couldnt help but love the two of them a thousand times more.  Its moments like these that i have to remember, when i am looking for more in life, to remember that I am lucky enough to share in such beautiful and real love between family.

I go to china in 1 months time … dont think i will have any money to spend while over there … but dammit i will be going!  I havent even finished paying for this trip and i am already dreaming of going to Russia, no idea why i am so desperate to go to Russia, but something inside of me is yearning to go there …

Im still single …. have come to the conclusion that i will probably stay this way, will end up being an old cat lady, im sure of it.  I just need to make sure that i plan to have someone check on me in my old age so i dont end up dying and the cats eating my eyeballs or anything gross.  Ok so maybe that is a little melodramatic … but i honestly dont think things will change, not only can i not seem to let anybody in, but i just cant even have the effort to make nice with anyone … if that makes sense, im lazy and cant be bothered … well .. at least thats my excuse and i aint going to change it.

at times my life feels like im the last kid in the universe being picked to play on a dodgeball team.

‘pick me!’  hmmm you know … id find some good excuse as to why i couldnt play anyway ….