alone

i have come to the sad realization that i think i shall always be alone.  The other night after a long day i was sitting on the train listening to my ipod and staring out the window at the fullmoon and i just felt lost, and on a crowded peak hour train, i felt alone.  I couldnt even feel the movement of people around me, i could not hear the hum of them talking over the music playing from my ipod, i felt like my seat was seperate to that of the train and i was just coasting along, and the lonliness that i felt right then and there was familiar.  Like an old friend coming over to hang out for the night. 

Its odd though, i didnt feel sad, but i wasnt happy either, i wasnt wallowing in pitty crying poor me i will always be alone, it just felt familiar.  I dont think i have not ever felt this way, it has always been there, even in any relationship i have been in i have always felt pangs of lonliness, that although at a certain point with someone in a commited relationship, i never felt secure, in amoungst the smitten heartbeating moments i could always feel the lonliness, even if it was hidden away trying all that i could to ignore it, because something with someone thats not quiet so right is surely better than nothing with no one? 

Have you ever stayed awake all night lying in someones arms as they slept and cried because at such a time you shouldnt feel like the smallest and lonliest person in the world?

Maybe this is how its meant to be.  Maybe in a past life i was so unhappy with myself as a person that this time around i have to learn to just live and love myself and no one else.  Who knows … all i know is that if i keep wishing for more i will live a life wasted.  I will constantly be hoping for something that will just not happen.

Have you ever been told that someone loved you so deeply that they cannot breath without feeling your heart beat with theirs, but while they carried you along with these whimsical statements they where whispering the same things in anothers ear only to leave you once again alone and questioning what love really is when they find that you cannot give them what they want then and there.

Im not after pity, because i sure dont pity myself, i have a great family and great friends, and if i never have children then it will just allow me to spoil and love my niece and future nieces and nephews more than i could for my own.  So my life is enriched and i do have people that love me … so this is anything but pity.  I jutst feel very alone, truly alone, that i will never be someones number one person in their life. I dont think i will ever know what its like to not feel this way, so im just trying to come to accept it, to live with it.