I hate what I’ve become..

I don’t like the person I am anymore. I’m so fake. I hate how I end up leading guys on…even though I kind of do it to make myself feel better, I also do it just for that small hope that one of them will be like what I had with Brian or with Colin. Even though off the bat I know that none of the possible relationships that surround me are anywhere close to those. I feel so pathetic for whining about my love life. I always end up getting freakin guys up the wazoo to be interested in me, or *say* they are interested in me. I’m sorry if that sounds conceited, its not like any of them really care about me, they just for some reason think I’m easy or something. And the whole not finding the right relationship thing has lead me to going into countless relationships that mean nothing to me basically and I end up cheating on them or treating them like shit. Its ridiculous. I seriously feel like I don’t even have what it takes to love anymore. How ridiculous is that? For a 17 year old female to feel like shes lost all the will to love. I keep freaking feeling like the one love in my life was Brian. And I ruined it. I completely ruined it. I still carry the picture of him and I around on my keychain from homecoming. I would do anything to just talk to him one more time. He was always there for me before. I just want to talk to him one more time. I hate that he’s disappeared. Just like the only other two guys I ever actually thought I love. I know that when Brian left he moved into an apartment with his girlfriend at the time. That was a while ago. It could be no longer true, but I don’t know. I just want to talk to him one last time..hey, if it ended up being more than one last time I wouldn’t mind. But, I wouldn’t ever push something on him. This entry really isn’t going where I wanted. I just really hate the statement its better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all. Because now that I’ve loved and lost…twice in a row…I’m left here with this overwhelming feeling of…nothing. Of emptiness. I always feel like I should be in love. In a relationship. Because last year I ended up lucking out, twice in a row. How ridiculous. And now I’m just blabbering on and I’m gonna get some note, signed or unsigned, talking about what a selfish bitch I am, but I don’t even care. This is my life. Go screw off.