The 3rd

Today was the day. I was afraid this would happen. The coworker who was gone for a few months… she returned on Monday and worked her whole shift no problem. Then she called out Tues. But thankfully that wasn’t my problem because I had a school meeting to go to for my son. Then today, Weds, she called out AGAIN and I was assigned to cover her shift with the pinching kiddo. I flipped out! I was on the verge of breaking down the whole god damn day. But thankfully, I had a meeting with HR about my horrible attendance record for the 4th quarter (last year). I let her know that part of my attendance problem was working with this kiddo. It’s causing me severe PTSD to see all the bruises accumulate on my arms. She said because it’s DV related, they might be able to make an exception for me and she would look into it. As the day went on, I found myself completely unmotivated to finish the day. I was in a haze and couldn’t focus on my morning kiddos. Then, in the middle of the afternoon, the new daily schedule shows that the pinching kiddo will be out today and I am filling in another kiddo. Even though I was relieved to see this, I still had trouble getting through the rest of the day. It felt like FORRREVVVER for 6 o’ clock to come.

I don’t know what I’m gonna do if tomorrow my coworker calls out again. I might actually loose it and quit my job. I started browsing jobs today while one of our kiddos was napping. This is not the first time I’ve been tempted to quit working for this company. It’s hard to fairly compare this job to other jobs because there is basically nothing else like it out there. I know… I’ve looked and I’ve had interviews. And they have me at a high enough pay rate that I would have no chance finding anywhere else. I feel stuck sometimes. But I also feel so lucky. Lucky the I can pay my mortgage on my own. Lucky that my kids are fed and I don’t have to negotiate payment plans for utilities. I feel lucky that I can afford gas in my car and internet service for all my kid’s streaming services. I feel lucky that I can save for home repairs without taking out loans. This job has given me SO MUCH financial freedom, it’s actually insane. It’s crazy to think that during my marriage we were so off base financially with BOTH of us working. The amount of financial sabotage my husband put us through should have been deemed criminal act of neglect. But I’m not going to take you down that rabbit hole. It’s not worth talking about.

Anyway, I think I’m done writing for now. If I keep going, I think I might get all worked up. I’m on the verge of crying again. Maybe I should just lock my door and let it out. Can’t let the kids hear, though. They get REALLY worried when they see me upset like that. Bye for now<3