Day 1

Well, I guess this is my first entry… middle of the night on a Saturday. Didn’t think I would be starting this process online. I used to write in actual journals. Ya know… pen and paper. I still have some empty journals that I had anticipated using. But my hands are not what they used to be. Typing is just easier nowadays. I try to release my frustration through social media. But there is only so much I can say if I don’t want to get in trouble. Work has been challenging. Being a mother to 3 teenage boys has been challenging. Managing home improvement projects on my own has been challenging. It’s all been too much lately. I used to have a best friend that I could talk to for HOURS on the phone. She was my coping mechanism for most of my life. But life has a way of creating distance between loved ones when you least expect it. Sure I can text her anytime. But it’s not the same. I signed up for therapy for the first time as an adult. I’ve only had one session so far. But I like this therapist and I scheduled a second session with her. My mom forced me to go to counseling at 13 yrs old. It was with someone at our church. It was such a joke. It was impossible to take it seriously. God was forced down my throat growing up. And these counseling sessions were just an extension of that. These sessions were so useless, I felt my body physically deteriorating from boredom. That experience completely turned me away from the idea of trying any counseling/therapy services moving forward. I’ve always wondered if therapy actually works. I never gave it a fair shot. So I am now. Sad that it took me this long to get there.

I feel like I’m rambling. It’s 1 am and I’m tired. But not tired enough to go to sleep. It’s been a busy month and I’m physically and mentally exhausted. January tends to do that… it lasts foorevvver! I’m not ready to go to work on Monday. I’ve been filling in shifts for this one coworker who has been gone about 3 months now. We had estimated return dates for her two different times, and she didn’t return both times. Now I hear she’s returning on Monday. I’ll believe it when I see it. I work at a behavior therapy center that helps kids with autism. The coworker who has been out, had her kiddo reassigned to one of our supervisors. And then 2 weeks ago, that kiddo was reassigned to me. So I’ve been working with him for the past 2 weeks. Some of these kids have violent behaviors (hitting, throwing things, biting, scratching or pinching). This particular kiddo is one of the more difficult kids at our center because of the severe pinching he does to staff’s arms and legs. One of his session requirements is for staff is to wear arm guards for their own safety. But his little fingers are so strong, he can give you some of the most terrible bruises I’ve ever seen. Over time, he has learned to target areas of staff’s arms that are not protected by the arm guards. I am currently peppered in bruises on my forearms and the back of biceps near my armpits. I get a 3 (or more) new bruises each time I have a session with him. I don’t have the luxury of asking to be reassigned to another kiddo. I am considered a “Lead/Floater” employee, which means I fill in any and all shifts that need filling. If this coworker of mine doesn’t return on Monday, I think I might actually have a mental breakdown. There are other reasons why these bruises are affecting me mentally but I won’t get into that now. That was something I talked about with my new therapist.

I think I’ll end this entry now. There’s definitely more I could say but I’m actually getting tired now, thank goodness. Goodnight everyone <3