7 heavens

So I met that guy I was messaging on the dating app. He seems nice, but a little TOO nice. I don’t know… I get more friend vibes from him than anything else. He seems smart, courteous, and well spoken. I don’t know. He’s way too “put together” and not really someone I would date. Not sure how to break the news to him. I’m sure he would appreciate the honesty. I’m not too worried about it.

One significant thing happened yesterday. Last night, specifically. Backing up a little bit… I’ve been feeling off, like REALLY OFF in the past 2 or 3 months. Not sure if I mentioned that on here before. But it’s affecting my work performance and overall mental stability. I’ve been listening to Ren songs too. His songs cover really heavy subjects and I’ve been drowning myself in his music. Sometimes when I flood myself with heartache and sorrow in a short period of time, the healing happens quicker. So that’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve been flooding myself with painful songs that hit me right in the heart. Hi Ren, The Tale of Jenny and Screech, Chalk Outlines, How To Be Me, and a few others by Ren. But last night, I listened to his song Suicide and let me tell you.. it BROKE me. I listened to it 4 different times and I literally balled my eyes out each time. It was one of those moments where every ounce of pain that lives in your body, was released all at once. It was the most intense and healing cry I’ve had in YEARS!!! I’m sooo glad I was able to go through that. Being at work today felt like the most normal day I’ve had in months. I’m hoping to keep that up.

It’s getting to the point where they are putting me in charge of a lot of things at work. And I was told they want to give me more tasks, but don’t want to overwhelm me right now while I’m learning all this other new stuff. So little by little, they are giving me more responsibilities. I know once I get the hang of what I’m doing now, I should be able to manage what they have for me next. I’m just nervous about messing up. There’s already been a few moments like that. I know I can’t get everything right the first time, but they act like I’m making mistakes on purpose.. or that I’m incompetent. It’s really annoying.

Anyway, that’s life right now. I have 2 hours before bed so I’m going to enjoy some down time. Goodnight <3