Where am I going ???

I seem to merely exsist without notice.  I have lost all that game my life meaning and substance.  I go through each day morning my loses with the memories of what once was.

I do not want to be here anymore,  the pain is far greater than I have ever thought it could me.

I lost my Brenda-Dee (92), then I lost my "Sweetpea" (2001) You know its a different loss, pain, emptiness when you lose someone and they die than when you lose someone that still exsists and is very much a live but they have banished you from their life… My son Austin (13years old) (2007)

Everyday I remember things we did together, talks we had, moments we shared, games we played… This is the perfect time of year so many things we did.. get the halloween decorations out, go to the store to figure out his costume for this year, go to the Schutts cider mill (see the rabbits "fudgeball and snowball" go to Powers and go through the tee-pees, Halloween night and the bag of candy we have to go through b4 you can eat one piece, the apple and pumpkin pie and apple cider waiting for you to come home after all your tricks and treating,   Oh I remember for a few years you repeated your costom and you put on a flower that you would squirt in peoples faces when you asked if they would like to smell the flower… it was like it was yesterday and I so wish it was. Then its time to get ready for his sisters bday celebration and soon after ThanksGiving… as far back as I can remember Austin was always my parsley cutter for our family stuffing and he loved doing it all, ripping the bread, mixing the dressing with his clean hands… and oh yeah … when "Tom" arrived in our frig he would run to the frig and open it up and talk to the bird and give it a slap or too and laugh.  How am I going to get through the holidays without you?  Do you think of me too?  Do you have any wonderful memories of me or are they all about hating me and wanting me out of your life ???

I Love you so much …. sooooo much …. I wish I could hold you and hug you and start all over with you.  You have destroyed me in ways you will never know… I merely exsist for that day when I can have my son back … my life is over … there is no joy in my world anymore.