Unsettled Heart

It has been quite sometime since I have written in a diary.  I dont know what else to do.  I dont have anyone that I can talk to about my feelings. I don’t think anyone could even begin to understand … 

 I have pushed away feelings I have had and settled most of my life.  Figuring that I have more than most. 

However, these feelings always resurface and then I’m back at trying to bury them from myself once again.  Time goes on and passes me by but my heart remembers. You would think that being surrounded by a loving family would be all that I need to go one with the way life is.

I forgot who I was  and I lost myself .   Recently, I have looked further into who I am and I think I found me buried somewhere deep down.  I realize that I need something or someone more in my life .  This is so hard to express whats in my heart when I have kept it locked up for so long. 

I started talking online to people with common interests.  I have enjoyed  their friendship.  I have smiled and laughed like I havent in a long time.    

Its like a  door has opened  that I shut 22 years ago.   I wish I could turn back the clock .

 This is so crazy … what am I thinking.  My husband is very devoted to me and gives me lots of attention , but its the way  he gives the attention that turns me away from him.  I have grown apart from him through the years … at times I feel  that he has aged and I have gotten younger.  I feel often like he treats me like hes my father .  We dont relate on alot of subjects.  He has an old way of thinking and goes about things differently than I would. Its so hard sometimes. . . there is this division between us.  I love him but I dont know if I have ever been totally “in love ” with him.  I feel so horible about saying this.  He is a good man and a good father … however we dont see eye to eye on how he disciplines the children.  My children are very close to me and I love them more than life itself.  They are getting older and more independent. Maybe that is why these feelings I have are coming out again.  

Well … tomorrow is another day and hopfully a clearer day as to what my future will bring.