Yesterday was pretty …

… much a bust.  The mood that hit at the end of my last entry, settled in for the duration.  I couldn’t tell what it was to begin with, but it felt like the wind had been taken from my sails, and I had dropped my compass and it rolled into a dark corner of my ship.  Thank God the waters were calm, so I just drifted and let my ship go wherever it wanted.  My parents were coming over for tea at some point and I really wanted to have my living area straightened up from moving energy, but instead I took a two hour nap.  My couch and a chair are in the centre bagua, the “health and well-being” of my little house.  Nothing else.  The day before though, I had emptied a bookshelf onto the couch, and I didn’t realize how much that affected my health and wellness until I moved them all onto the floor in front of the bookshelf, and sat on the couch and felt the power from a clear and uncluttered “health and well-being” centre.  I’ll admit there’s something to be said about this Feng Shui stuff, and I’m proving it to myself as I create my bagua centres.  I have been focusing on the “career” and “wisdom and knowledge” centres, so it was nice to sit and focus on a different one …. and then poof!  I laid down, covered myself with a blanket and slept.  Dreams were wonderful and thankfully I remembered them long enough to write them in my dream journal.  Dennis came to me and showed me the seeds he’s planting … I asked him about a particular seed as they started to move and he called them “chortles” … when I looked that up, it’s a type of laughter, and he loved to laugh, so that was pretty darn cool!

When I woke up, the mood was still heavy, and I realized I was sad … sad over my understanding of how the friendship with Dan actually is, sad over deleting Russell regardless of it being the Best thing for me to do, sad over needing space from John who cares deeply for me …. and sad over Dennis’s death … along with my job, there’s been a lot of endings and writing about them opened the porthole to the emotion of sadness, loss, and grief.  Good awareness on my part, and it helped nudge me along to bake a banana bread for the visit with my parents.  They didn’t mind at all that my space was still in a state of disarray, and my dad snooped around and said I have ‘cool stuff’.  I used to hide my oracle and tarot cards but I’m not doing that anymore.  I used to hide my crystals and I’m not doing that anymore.  I used to hide the books about healing from sexual abuse, and I’m not doing that anymore.  I used to hide Me inside My Own House, and I’m not doing that anymore.  The people who come into my house are my guests, invited by me, whom I know will accept me as I am.  As much as there’s shitty trust and betrayal issues when it comes to my dad, and my mom for that matter, I choose to live in the energy of forgiveness … with boundaries.  That’s still a new thing for me and I notice when I’m playing with one.  Our visit was nice even though the banana bread was gooey in the middle.  When they left, the mood was still there, but sadness was replaced with an uncomfortable feeling.  It was only 3:00 and I didn’t know how I was going to make it until bedtime, even an early one would still be five hours away.

So I cleaned up the dishes and returned to my couch in the “health and wellness” centre of my house.  I didn’t force anything to happen.  I didn’t like the mood or feeling I was in, but I also knew it was moving.  Nancy texted asking about how feng shui’ing was going and all I could respond with was “meh” hahahaha, damn I love that word because it fits So fucking well sometimes … to which she responded “sometimes beige can feel good” and I laughed out loud because yes, even though the mood was kinda funky, it felt good … it felt like I was processing through something.  I sat on my couch for a couple of hours and realized that this was exactly the kind of mood I would get stoned over, or have a drink or two or three.  Another shift …

Since July, I’ve been going back and forth with how I feel about alcohol and pot.  I know I have the potential to abuse it, but am I addicted to either?  Truth??  No, I’m not … even though for the last decade I’ve told myself and others that I am, so why do I insist on behaving like I am an alcoholic/addict?  This is muddy water though because I discovered how easy it is for me to abuse both substances, BUT …. I’m not abusing the substances, I’m abusing My Self when I use pot or alcohol to cope, or check-out, or not deal with my emotions/feelings.  I sure as hell could have gotten high yesterday afternoon, no doubt about that, and it’s legal now so all I had to do was go downtown and buy a J for $5.00 … oh and while I’m out in the fucking cold, I’ll just hit the LBS and buy a couple of beers for $6.00 … so basically for just over ten bucks, I could smoke and drink my way around the mood … not enough to get totally wasted, but enough to not face what was right in front of me … and that is ME.

Then a dream I had the day before came to mind, in which I slipped twice but steadied myself before falling.  I looked around my space and saw all the changes I was making … revealing my true self is scary even to Me.  I haven’t given myself the opportunity to really be with me.  After Dennis died, Russell was right there and things developed with him … an attachment to Dan also developed after ten years of being just friends … and then John came into the picture … I was overdosing on relationships with other people, including my family, when I barely have a relationship with my Self.  Oh sure, I’ve done scads of healing over the past decade, but I’ve ALWAYS had someone walking with me … and now I’m choosing solo and my choice is sinking in.  At about 5:30 Nancy texted to see if I was home, and then stopped by with two donuts with sprinkles on top.  Omg, I hugged her and the tears erupted.  She knew what my day needed … sprinkles hahahahaha She asked if I wanted company, and I said that I was good and needed to be alone.   She totally understood, and didn’t push it. Another shift …

I acknowledged two things … that I AM good, and that I Do Need to be alone.  I need to spend time with me.  I’ve known that for months which is why I’ve withdrawn from relationships and taken a big risk by not working so that I Could be with my Self.

I went through the motions of preparing and eating food, then sat with one of my tarot decks in front of my little fireplace.  I don’t know very much about tarot and I wasn’t needing guidance, but I wanted to play.  I don’t remember the cards I pulled, and nothing of significance was revealed, but it passed the time.  I finally decided to go to bed, and it was only 6:30!!! Who the fuck cares?!?  I was tired and cold and wanted to be under a lot of blankets.  As I relaxed and warmed up, the mood lifted slightly.  Maybe I was being tested and I passed.  I didn’t know if the mood would still be there when I woke up, but I was at peace with the day and drifting along with the mood.  Not surprised to wake up at about 1:00, but turned on some coffeehouse music and laid in the dark until I fell back asleep.

The mood is gone this morning:)  I found my compass in the dark last night, and will mop the decks of my ship until the wind picks up again.  Maybe today I’ll finish with creating my bagua centres in the main room of my little house.  Maybe today I won’t be as uncomfortable with my Self.  Guess the only way to find out is to start …