Wednesday morning …

… and for the first time in a handful or more of days, I feel energized upon waking.  I haven’t let go of the positive, but it’s been feeling like I have to hang on tight or I’ll drop it.  This is an observation that I couldn’t put into words while I was in the midst of it and I’ve rolled through my days hanging on tight.  Several reasons come to mind as to why I’ve been feeling like this … lots of babysitting zapped my energy, the shift into and out of the full moon wobbled me, the first month of no work is settling in, rearranging furniture in the main area of my house has shook things up.  It was so nice to wake up at 4:00 this morning and feel wide-eyed.  I still appreciate the choice I have though to roll over and go back to sleep;) but this morning I got up and gave a full hour to drinking coffee and being still.

Morning pages continue, however I haven’t gotten into the exercises yet and I’m okay with that.  There isn’t any rush or timeline to finish and I’ll know when to start.  In the meantime, getting to know my house is front and centre.  I pulled out the Feng Shui book I’ve had for well over five years, and have been flipping through the pages.  Not really sure why I resist using the tools that other people have discovered (especially ancient tools), ego I’m thinkin, but in any case I took the time to divide the main floor of my house into nine equal parts and then using the bagua of Feng Shui, I determined what each part represents in my life, and O.M.G.  It’s like I’ve fallen in love with my house all over again!!  The two energy centres I’m focusing on right now are Career and Knowledge/Wisdom, and it’s incredible how the furniture I already own are clipping into place as if they knew exactly where to go, and by using this energetic centre layout I’m mentally and emotionally putting intention into each one.  Kinda cool too that I’ve had this thing called “The Lifeboard” for years and years, but never opened it, and wouldn’t you know it!  It’s basically the same principal as the bagua only using different terminology.  I thought it was a memoir writing guide or something hahahahaha and it’s so cool too, how I never opened it until Monday when I started all this … perfect timing I’d say;)

I’m also going under the house and unpacking boxes … sigh … what a task … but I Am finding treasures and also garbage hahahaha and I’m clearing space for something else under there.  That is the One thing I miss … a functional basement aka more space, and while mine will never be considered a “finished basement”, the three cement rooms can definitely be functional which would be giving me more space …. once I empty ALLLLL the boxes that is … another sigh Lol:)  It’ll be four years this July since moving into my little house, and it feels like I’m only just getting to know her;)

Nancy gave me a Reiki treatment last week in a different way than she usually gives.  Reiki isn’t my go-to for energy healing, but she wanted to try something out and knows I’ll be truthful about how it works (or doesn’t) for me.  From what I can tell it was visualization of the place on my body that I’m feeling ‘something’ and her asking questions such as what shape is it, what does it weigh, what colour, etc etc.  Then she would ask if I’m ready to give it up and give it to God … so it’s not really something new other than she was giving Reiki at the same time.  I truly know very little about that modality and don’t have an interest in finding out more.  I know it works, but I prefer other methods.  So I took doubt to the treatment and let her play with that in its many shapes and forms, and play she did.  By the end, I could barely remember what doubt felt like unless I really concentrated, which I stopped myself from doing as soon as I recognized that’s what I was doing.  The one thing I wasn’t ready to give up was bondage … for the second time I was reminded of a previous life in which I was enslaved as a rower on a ship (first time was with Joy during a hot stone massage).  Nancy said she had to be okay with me not wanting to give it up ahahahaha which was such a strange thing for her to say, but over the following few days I understood that it was her way of saying she accepted.  Anyway, I brought home the memory of enslavement and bondage and sat with it, allowing the memory to unfold and expand.  So …. this is weird, but my meditation led me to Jesus on the cross or what I know of that, but it was more to the two crosses on either side of Jesus, so I googled because I know squat about those two … the dude on the right basically accepted his cross (life’s challenges) placing trust in Jesus and heaven (higher power aka Universe aka whatever you want to call it;)  I haven’t talked to Nancy yet about this, but I’m going over for coffee tomorrow so I’m sure more will be revealed.  Whew! I wasn’t sure if I was going to get that out so it made sense.

John and I went out for lunch yesterday.  I’m so happy we can still spend time together without it being weird.  I’m so at ease with him and I think he feels the same with me.  I will admit I miss sex, and the thought crossed my mind that maybe occasional sex would be okay hahahaha oh geeze it’s like the occasional toke, or the occasional beer … playing with addiction … but is it addiction?? Or is it just being human and enjoying pleasure.  Thing is, pleasure IS addicting!  Hmmmm it’s been awhile since I’ve had a thoughtball … addiction is an extreme on either side … pleasure on one, un-pleasure on the other … I get it that balance is where the sweet spot is, but it feels like there are missing details that I haven’t quite captured, so for now I’m going to hold firm to SSS.  Another whew!!