Saturday was a …

… major bust. I was in a funk the entire day, and I couldn’t put my finger on exactly why. Oh sure, I could come up with numerous reasons, but they were all superficial, and maybe it was a combination of all of them. By the end of the day though, I determined that I needed a break from my desk and computer/ipad, so yesterday I didn’t sit once at my desk … I didn’t log on to my emails … I didn’t go to any forums … and you know what? I had an amazing day. What a difference from Saturday!

This morning I was up at 03:30 and spent 90 minutes checking in with how I feel today and what I want to accomplish. I feel stable this morning, but I also feel like it wouldn’t take much to tip the scale in either direction. I have a list made of what needs to be tended to. Then I checked my emails and the different forums and discovered that nothing really interesting happened yesterday while I disconnected … but!!! When I did this, I figured out that was part of the funk from Saturday … loneliness … and I don’t say that in a negative or ‘woe-is-me’ way … it’s an observation … shall we say, a continuing observation since I went solo back in April. There are different levels of loneliness and the one I was feeling on Saturday stemmed from not being noticed, or the feeling of not belonging – and when I’m in that level of loneliness, I judge other people and circumstances, but mostly I judge my Self … BAM, there it is!! So by disconnecting from the online world, I took my Self out of the places where I feel unnoticed and not belonging, and I played in a world where I am the centre of attention – MY world:) I did a major house clean in the morning, then Joanna cancelled a coffee date last minute (fuck I hate it when people do that to me – but it seems to be what people do these days). Anyway, I acknowledged how that made me feel, then moved on with my day of being the centre of my attention. Omg, it sounds so narcissistic, but I think I really needed to be the centre of someone’s attention because, by the end of the day, I felt balanced. That’s when I saw the unbalance of sitting at my desk for hours working on my website and going to forums where I try too hard to fit in. So I will monitor closely how much time I spend at my desk, plus I’ve scheduled a disconnect day each week, plus I’m going to try harder not to try so hard LOL