It’s been a …

… pretty okay week.  Putting together some sort of schedule really made a difference even though a couple of things are carried over into next week.  I came to a bit of a standstill with writing … almost as if the next chapter is still simmering.  I tried to force it out Thursday morning and met with resistance, so set it aside and painted instead.  I thought the chapter was going to be about acceptance, then it changed to being about judgement, but now I’m pretty sure it’s going to be about hope and/or faith because that has become integral to how I operate in life, and (I think) it transitions well from the previous chapter.  It’s still simmering though ….

It was a good idea to ditch the writing and paint instead because I totally forgot about the blockage that had appeared out of nowhere.  I thought perhaps the BJ was vying for my attention, but she didn’t come into my studio when I went in to paint and I made huge progress in playing with watercolours and it’s become fun more than “uggghhh I have no fucking clue what I’m doing”.  Thing is, the BJ was waiting for me when I came out hahahah Omg, what a woman she is!  I have to admire her persistence;)  Which made me look into what I call my spiritual mirror.  There’s a lot of talk about how bad the ego is and how terrible it is to be selfish, etc etc but I believe the ego (the BJ) is as much an inner guidance as my Spirit … it’s all in how I look at her.  Oh sure, she’s a bitch, but why would I ever think she wants to harm me??  After all, she’s ME!  The BJ is the broken bits of Ello, my Inner Child.  She protected me by disassociating from reality when my grampa did things to me; she taught me to smile on the outside when everything on the inside is short circuiting; she showed me how to survive by not getting too close to anyone, and if that starts to happen, then to behave in ways to stop it, even to the point of self-sabotage … and voila!! There it is!  The BJ doesn’t want to get hurt either, and she is the Mistress of defence mechanisms to ensure that doesn’t happen.  What she needs to understand though, is that I love her too.