It’s a nice …

… reminder when I stop doing things that work and then start to feel the consequences, that it’s just a matter of implementing them back into my life.  Writing and journaling is a very good example.  Ten days of not writing is way too long, and it feels like I’m plugged up with emotions and thoughts, along with the daily experiences that are having an impact on me.  I was (and maybe still am) in a wee bit of a downhill mood.  Yesterday was incredibly long.  Time doesn’t go any faster or slower, but man, the awake hours yesterday dragged on for what felt like eternity … what an exaggeration! but when I looked at the clock thinking it would be 5:30 or so, and it was only 3:00!! I tell you what! That’s when I realized I had to do something about how I’ve been operating over the last week or so.  There’s been some happenings that have added to how I’m feeling … nothing horrific and for that I am grateful … but just enough to tug at my insides and tell me there are things I need to look at … because that’s what I do;)

One of the first things that hit a nerve is my writing group and the personalities of the different members … one in particular, but in general the entire group has been leaving me with a blech feeling.  I can totally accept other people and their behaviour, and ya, I know I can be judgmental but can also usually stop myself before it gets out of control.  Thing is, when someone else’s behaviour makes me feel shitty, then I don’t much care to be around them … even more so when it’s in a passive aggressive way … making themselves “better” at what “feels” to be at my expense.  I definitely get caught up in thinking I’m making too much out of things, or that my ego is being overactive, but when all is said and done, if I feel like crap being around someone, then I feel like crap … and why would I want to continue to feel that way??  I’ve written about this before, but I had to make a decision, not just yak about it … so, I’ll stick out the year with the group, but I won’t be joining in the fall.  It’s time to move on, and even though there are still several months of meetings ahead, knowing I’ve made a decision to leave has already helped change my attitude toward the group.

Second thing, is that I’m spending too much time with my parents.  Now that I’m not working, it’s easier to get together with them for a visit, but weekly visits are just too much for me.  There was a time when my limit was a 90 minute visit once a month, and it has slowly grown to weekly visits that last hours and hours.  I’m seeing them tomorrow, but then I’ll space our next visit to be in a couple of weeks (hopefully), and be more aware of how long the visits are.  There are circumstances with the relationship I have with my parents that many people wouldn’t understand why I would give them Any time, but it’s even more than that and it’s hard to explain.  I get drained when I’m around them too much, and it’s up to me to protect my energy.  It’s not like I’m gonna say … “Hey Mom & Dad, you suck my energy so I can’t see you this week”, but I can say … “Hey Mom & Dad, I’m not feeling up to a visit this week, so how about next week”.  It’s the truth, and yet I’m taking responsibility for my feelings, not blaming or using them as an excuse … basically, taking ownership of my emotional life.

Third thing, is that I need to make more of an effort to ground and balance myself DAILY hahahaha Did I say that loud enough?  When I’m busy, I forget to do that and oh man, after a few days of not balancing myself, I am all over the place.  Daily rituals include prayer & meditation, journaling and writing, eating breakfast, showering, drinking 2 litres of water, grounding & balancing … these are the things that I need every day … EVERY DAY Tina!  There are several tools that work for me to feel healthy, but these are the Daily ones … I repeat DAILY hahahaha … again, ownership:)

Fourth thing, is that when aspects of myself are being shown to me; ie. self-doubt, jealousy, sex/intimacy stuff … not to let them get bigger than they really are.  Allowing self-doubt to trip me up with the vision of my book and website sucks, and as much as I “know” Not to listen, that stupid little voice that says I can’t makes me want to scream.  Self-doubt isn’t something new for me, but enter Shantal … sigh … I love my sister, but I’m always in her shadow.  I’m not a jealous person, and it’s weird to feel this emotion, especially toward her … but … after a lot of pondering, that’s exactly what it is … jealousy … and I don’t know what to do about it.  And then sex/intimacy??  Well, that’s enough to write a book about;)  “What is good about All this that I’m not getting?” fits so perfectly.  I have something to learn in all these areas and the key is to maintain balance on how I feel so I Can learn, rather than let it get in my way Of learning.

I’m not aiming for perfection, but I Am aiming for growth … consistent growth … and in order to achieve that, I am the only one responsible for keeping myself on track.