I finally said …

… something to Dan about how I’m almost at the point of giving up on our friendship.  It was a ‘grown up’ conversation which I initiated … tough conversations, especially when it has to do with how I feel, is one of the hardest things for me to do.  It feels like confrontation or an argument will ensue or I won’t be understood or, or, or ……… there is so much more tangled up in this …. but I said something and he listened and actually, our friendship is shifting in a positive direction.  I don’t know how many times I wanted to end the conversation, close chat, and run, but I stood firm and listened to his side, but also stayed true to my side and the feelings I was experiencing.

It had taken me a long time to figure out exactly the right word to describe how I was feeling in g-chat with him, and then it came to me …. disregarded.  It was like my chest had been crushed when I realized that, and truth?  Even though the conversation went well, I am still wiped out from the intensity of understanding how deep my reaction to disregard goes.  Tons of memories flooded in of situations and relationships and experiences in which the same feeling of disregard, dismissal, being ignored, pushed to the side, etc etc etc.  They all mean the same thing, but slightly different depending on the memory, and they all make me feel crushed … sigh … this is a big one for me.

Another big understanding that came out of everything that has happened between Dan and I, is knowing “when” to tell my truth and whether it’s beneficial to both people, or good enough to just know it myself.  I was insensitive and disclosed too much information to him when I withdrew from our ‘sexual’ relationship.  I told him reasons that he Really didn’t need to know, and it hurt him.  Our meeting in July has so many more good memories than the crap ones from being triggered, and Those good memories are what we share.

I’m glad I said something.  Our g-chat conversations are starting to have depth again …