Back into a new …

… week, with a fresh outlook on everything … meh sort of;)  I totally know I can do whatever I set my mind to doing, but damn that mood from Friday keeps trying to trip me up.  What I’ve determined is that I doubt my self with pretty much everything I do, when I know perfectly well that I have amazing intuition and I totally know what’s right for me, even if it means changing my mind.  As long as I live with the awareness of the choices I make, then really where does doubt fit??  I’m playing with this book called The Artist’s Way and the first chapter is called ‘Recovering A Sense of Safety’.  It talks about the Shadow Artist inside whom for whatever reason was squashed and has never been able to truly be.  This describes me to a T … always great ideas, and I’ve gotten better at the delivery, but …. something gets in the way of my ideas coming to fruition … and I’ve narrowed it down to self-doubt.  This feels like a root from way back, and almost as if the more digging I do to get to it, the deeper it really is.

I wrote the introduction to my book yesterday and shouldn’t be surprised that the BJ, disguised as doubt, was sitting on my desk, nattering at me the whole time.  She’s been neglected over the last while because I’ve been in a very good place, but she saw that I was vulnerable on Friday and that was her entrance.  Saturday was Way better!  John invited me to watch the UFC championships at BP’s, but we didn’t make it off the couch, and one thing led to another, and well … so much for the sans sex part of SSS.  Thing is, I was ummmm needy hahahaha omg just say it Tina!! I was horny! and it was easy to slip back into whatever it is we have between us.  It was quite good.  Yes, it Really was Quite good …. but now, I feel like I’ve betrayed myself …. See?? The BJ knows exactly where to stab me with her steely knife.  Just because I had sex once, doesn’t mean I’ve forsaken anything.  I was totally aware of what I was doing and omg it felt amazing, so why am I trying to ruin the experience with guilt and doubt and maybe even shame is in the mix too.  WTF anyway!!

So I believe in choices … which means I have a choice in how I feel about all this … I have a choice in the thoughts I allow myself to have … I have a choice to remember Saturday night as an amazing evening with a friend who cares about me, and we just happened to get naked and we gave each other pleasure for awhile ahahahaha That didn’t stop me from writing the introduction to my book regardless of the BJ’s comments.  I also have a choice today to listen to what the BJ is saying or go outside in the sunshine for awhile.  I choose outside:)