An unusual …

… sleepless night has brought me to writing.  I have no idea why I can’t sleep.  It’s 4:22 as I start this entry and I’ve been awake since just past midnight.  I didn’t actually get out of bed until 2:00 or so because I can usually get back to sleep with minimal effort.  I didn’t have a bunch of thoughts racing through my mind; in fact, I was quite empty of thought.  I tried to “daydream” even though it was the middle of the night, but that didn’t work.  The last dream I remember was a failed abortion and giving birth to a very dark haired and dark eyed beautiful baby … it was me who performed the abortion on me, and me giving birth to me, and me watching it all happen … self-centred dream totes;) but not disturbing in any way.  The thought that I woke up with though, was  The Ladybug Fair coming up in May and to reserve a table for The Hottub Lady.  Last year I knew I would be in this year’s tradeshow, but thought it would be with my book or something to do with writing, but I’m not nearly close enough to have anything written and ready for the public … my hot tubs though is how I can support myself to do the writing I am doing, so in a way it is writing related Hmmmmm that makes me smile:)  I listened to AZEmotionalHealth on youtube, ate toast and drank coffee … figured if I’m going to start my day at 2:00 a.m. I may as well make it as close to “normal” as I can, and now here I am …

Yesterday was unusual as well … I spent the night at John’s so waking up somewhere else set the tone for the day.  No matter how much fun we have together, I am always happy when we part … happy in two ways though … happy from having fun with someone who is easygoing and kind, and at the same time, happy to be back on my own.  I think we’ve come to an understanding that space is something we both need to do our own stuff, and then when we do get together, it’s a nice break from the solitude.  This is twice now that I’ve spent the night, and then the next day is kinda wonky, and maybe this sleepless night is a residual from the wonkiness.

Prayer and meditation were difficult after getting home, so I proceeded to empty my big closet, or at least half of it hahahaha I found three of Russell’s T-shirts that promptly went in the goodwill bag, but seeing them was enough to remember the good times we had together.  I learned so much about myself while we were together, and maybe I didn’t end our relationship in the best way, cutting him off completely without explanation, but then I also remember how I felt soooo many times with him … misunderstood and manipulated … so I just sent him luck (love, understanding, compassion and kindness) and moved on with cleaning out my closet.  Then it was time to go hang out with Abigael and Henry which of course, was wonderful, but I wasn’t fully present.  All this is observation in retrospect.

After babysitting, I tended to some errands and when I walked in the door shortly after 5:00 I felt disoriented and disconnected.  I wasn’t sure what day it was or what I had done or what I needed to do.  It was only a moment or maybe a few moments, and then it passed.  I was slow and kinda tired but not sleepy-tired Lol … “completion of beginnings” came to mind – abit of a riddle, but it dawned on me that lately it feels like I’m at the end of the first chunk of my freedom 55.  I don’t know how many chunks there will be, but the beginning is coming to a completion, and I’m moving into the next phase.

Awareness too was something that was rolling around in my head last night before sleep as it relates to one of the chapters I’ve written, so I will revisit it and maybe there’s more to write, or maybe there’s something I’ve already written that I need to read.

I can tell today is going to be strange and I’m glad there are no commitments, and if any requests do come in I can truthfully say I got hardly any sleep and need to stay close to home today.

Interesting indeed …

An add on to the above – I am turning around and looking at my shadow(s); not moving; I am in a state of allowance;