A different …

… perspective was given to me from someone who reads my entries.  A perspective I’ve known about but it was the application of it that was different.  How many times have I told myself that I did the best I could raising my children, with what I had and where I was in my life?  It’s comforting in a way, but doesn’t really eliminate all the regrets and shoulda, coulda, woulda’s … sigh … however, he commented that we make choices and decisions in life based on what we think is best ‘at the time’, with what we have and where we are in life ‘at the time’ … which can change … of course it can!  I’ve never really considered that the moment of decision is based on what I feel is best at that moment.  It’s like being present with the choice, then being present with the decision, then being present with the result, then also being present in the future when the decision comes knocking at the door and says “are you still sure this is what’s best?”  Damn, this is Very Very cool!!

I’ve settled with getting it on with John on Saturday:)  When I took some nature therapy yesterday, I remembered saying to him in the midst of errrm, petting(?) Good grief, I suck at finding the proper words about this … anyway, good ol’ me had to interject something quite lovely with “John, I don’t know if I can give you more” to which he replied “you mean after tonight?” and then he said “stop thinking”.  I laughed and said “I can’t, that’s what I do”  Then he said “don’t worry” and it was like a switch was flipped and I stopped worrying and just enjoyed what was happening in the moment,  which actually lasted for awhile ahahahahahahahah So if I were to group this experience in with my sexual healing bits, there’s something to be said about not worrying while having sex.  I can’t say I’m ready to jump in bed again with him, but at least now the experience feels much better than it did.

There’s a PQ meeting tonight which I’m totally not feeling like attending.  It’s a business meeting, and truth? I’m done with this writing group … well, at this moment I’m done hahahah Omg, my entire perspective about life has shifted slightly and it’s fun!!  I wonder if this perspective will meld with some bits of my past that cling and change them.  Anyway, there’s a writing group in Moose Jaw that seems more active with writing and supporting each other, rather than business and two or three public events per year.  It would mean an overnighter unless I’m so amped with creative energy that I can drive two hours home at 9:00 at night.  There’s a meeting Thursday night, but my cash flow hasn’t started yet this year, so I’m thinkin it’ll be February’s meeting that I’ll hit up.

An afterthought – the choice and decision I’ve made re: withdrawing (sex) with Dan continues to feel exactly right.  His behaviour definitely caused me to rethink it, especially because it feels like I’ve lost a friend.  Each and every time I reconsider my decision though, there is a feeling of ease and peace, regardless of how our friendship is playing out.  We still chat online in the morning, but texting has all but completely stopped.  It’s sad, but it was the best decision at that moment and I don’t regret it, and interestingly enough, I can tell that it’s the truth.