It Oddly Makes Me Feel Empty

I’m trying to practice healthier habits. The whole cutting off sugar thing isn’t going so well haha. I feel like I did pretty well with everything else. 

But that’s just the physical stuff. I’m working on practicing healthy habits for my mental well-being as well. I know that we live in a world and day and age where mental health struggles are on the rise, but I see a lot of romanticizing of it as well. But hey, we all deal with our stuff in our own way. Sometimes seeing all of that makes me feel stuck, rather than not feeling alone. 

The only way to feel better is to be alone, I’d hate to say. 

I believe that I was blessed with a flexible work-from-home job for a reason. I have been a workaholic all of my life, and it has allowed me to develop some not-so-healthy patterns. I felt that the more stressed and tired I was, the harder I was working. To me, that made me feel successful. I found definition in the things that I did because I felt like I had nothing else going for me. 

I no longer want to live a life where all I do is work myself until I’m exhausted haha. 

The pandemic taught me a lot. It messed me up in many ways, and I feel like I’ve developed some weird OCD-like habits, but when it comes to self-discovery…though it’s been a rough one, it’s been rewarding. I’ve opened my eyes to so many things. I’m grateful for the many options and opportunities. 

I’m giving myself permission to take breaks. Instead of grinding and forcing myself to get everything done at once, I take breaks. It has helped me stay productive. I also feel better that I don’t sit down for hours and hours in one place. 

I had to make it a point to unplug a bit too. That was hard. Not because I’m addicted to my phone or anything, but I have this weird FOMO when it comes to the people in my life. If I go away, I’m afraid that I won’t be there for anyone who needs me. Would anyone do the same thing for me, most likely not as we are all out there to look out for ourselves, but that’s not why I do things. I don’t do things to get anything in return, or I will always be empty. I do things because it makes me feel good. 

Now that I think of it…it oddly makes me feel empty too. 

I’ve been dealing with some harsh realities this week as well. 

[insert name here] doesn’t really care. [insert name here] only talks to me when it’s convenient for [insert name here]. Now I get that no one owes me their time, and I am in no way expecting it. I just find it strange that [insert name here] takes ages to get back to me, and gives me one word answers most of the time, but when [insert name here] is feeling a certain way, then suddenly [insert name here] remembers that I exist. It’s quite self-serving. I always try to look at things through other people’s perspective. I care about their feelings so much, but I have to stop doing that. 

Maybe I’m too available for everyone. I just want people to know that I am there for them. 

But anyway, I got a few things that I am planning to work on. I’m always afraid to start things, but it’s most likely what I need at the moment. 

Here’s to truckin’ along.