For Lent, I’m Giving Up Sanity…

It’s been a very emotional around here since I last posted.  Several times, I wanted to come here and write down what’s been happening, but I just couldn’t start.  I’d stare at the screen and just have no clue what to put down.  Here’s my best attempt…

I got a job interview…finally.  It’s to go back to work with PetsMart.  I was a Presentation Manager with them previously and since the District Manager retired (he absolutely hated me because I refused to let him bully me), I can now try to go back.  I applied to be the PetsHotel Manager, but they had already filled that position, so I’m going to interview to be the Asst. Manager.  I’ve tried my best not to think about it too much for fear I might activate The Curse®. 

Little back story…I’m cursed.  Anytime there is something that I truly want with all my heart or if there is something I want and make plans for, I am denied it by The Curse®.  I wanted so bad to have things work out between me and Joe…The Curse®.  I tried to find a job in Canada so Kevin and I could stay together…The Curse®.  I was looking forward and had already planned on how to spend my Christmas bonus…The Curse®.  I lost a lot of weight and wanted to keep it off…The Curse®.  My therapist says that I’m not really cursed, but it’s my subconscious making me fail at these things because I don’t believe I’m worthy of succession, but these failures all come from external places.  My subconscious isn’t the reason that Joe was fucking a 19 year old behind my back, or that Kevin decided he couldn’t go a week without physical intimacy in Canada and might "accidentally" cheat on me, or make my bosses lay me off right before Christmas so that my bonus check and gym membership got canceled. It was The Curse®.

So with this upcoming interview, I’ve tried my best not to think about it too much to ensure the best possible outcome.  However, yesterday, I gave in and started looking at apartments in the area for when I move back to town after I get the job.  I had completely forgotten about The Curse® and was planning on how, with this large pay increase, I would be able to pay off a lot of bills and finally start putting money away again.  Last night, I remember The Curse® and got depressed.  I may have just ruined my chances for this job.  But we’ll see….

Also in the Bad News Department, Tuesday I was hanging out with Kevin.  (I know…I know….I really shouldn’t, but we talked it out and he knows how pissed I was and he wants to try to at least repair our friendship…and so do I…)  I asked him if he wanted to get lunch on Wednesday and he said he couldn’t because he had a doctor’s appointment.  I asked what for, and he said he didn’t want to talk about it.  I asked to know if it was anything life threatening and he said he didn’t believe so and that he was fine.  Out of respect, I didn’t pursue it, but I told him that if he wanted to discuss it with someone, I’d be there for him.  Later Wednesday, my sister told me that her mother-in-law was going to be staying at the house and I would have to sleep on the couch.  I told Kevin this and he offered to let me stay with him.  I accepted.  All day Wednesday, I kept thinking about his doctor’s appointment.  That night, he was very stand-offish…didn’t want to cuddle while we watched our movie…and when it was time for bed, he slept in his shirt and pants.  Around 4am this morning, he got up, stripped down and went to sleep in the other room.  When he left, I sat up in bed and immediately thought, "He got an STD."  I don’t know why, but it seems to make perfect sense.

The five most common types are HIV, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, Syphilis, and Genital Herpes.  I believe all except herpes are preventable by condom use…so that makes me wonder, if he had herpes and it’s just now showing up, did he have it when we last slept together??  If it’s not herpes, then he’s been lying to me about always using a condom.  My mind exploded at that point and I was awake the rest of the morning.  I’m going to be so sleepy and distracted when I go to this interview.  But I guess after it’s done, I should make a side trip to the free clinic…

As the kids say these days…FML.