A Wolf In Wolf’s Clothing…

I’m back in Austin now.  But while I was in Houston, something happened.  It was the night of the last entry I made.

Kevin was feeling sick, so I went over to try to help him feel better.  We watched tv and cuddled.  While I was there, I used his laptop to log on to my facebook and to write my journal entry.  I didn’t stay that night.  Around 2am, I left and went back to stay with my sister.  I didn’t hear from him for 2 days, and when I did, he just said that he was sitting at home bored.  I told him I could come over and he said ok.  When I got there, he had told me that I had forgotten to log out of my facebook before I left and that he had read some of the messages I had with a mutual friend of ours named Chris.  Those messages were pretty sexual and graphic and he asked me if I had slept with Chris.  I told him no.  He apologized for snooping, and being that I am usually pretty open about everything anyway, I said it was ok and thought nothing more of it.  I wound up staying that night, and the next day we woke up and watched a little tv.  During the show, he’s on his phone texting and seemed to be writing a novel.  Then out of the blue he tells me that I should probably get going because he had things to do that day.  I asked if it was a booty call, and he seemed to get a bit annoyed and just said that he had things to do.  I got up and left.  Half way back to my sister’s place, I started crying and getting mad.  I was getting mad at myself, because once again, I had allowed myself to believe that there was something more between us that what really was…which is nothing.  He doesn’t even see me as a friend…just someone to fuck or occupy his time between fuck buddies.

Then I started thinking about how he went through my messages.  Back before we broke up, he had accused me of reading his emails and going through his stuff.  I denied it, but he still flipped out and didn’t believe me.  He still doesn’t believe that I didn’t do it.  I realize now that for someone to act that way when he thought his privacy was violated to then violate MY privacy, that just shows a complete lack of respect.  And then to question me about who I was sleeping with…that’s just none of his damn business!  He has been hopping from bed to bed ever since we broke up so he doesn’t need to worry about who’s in mine!  The more I think about it, the angrier I get.  I was such a fool for wasting all my time on him.  My brain completely understands how awful a person he really is and how I should never get in contact with him again.  But my fucking heart still wants him.  And I don’t know why!  He’s broken it 3 times…and yet I still want him next to me.  And I know, that if I were to try to be with him again, he’ll just hurt me again.  But my heart doesn’t care….and my brain hates it…

It’s been 3 days since I’ve last had any contact with Kevin.  My brain has refused to send him any texts, even though I can feel a strong urge to do so.  My brain wants to delete him off of everything and just cut contact with him completed, but my heart is still a little too strong and won’t let that happen just yet.  There’s only a little piece of my heart remaining that is capable of love, but it’s still in love with Kevin…and my brain wishes it would just die.