R.I.P little brother…

Mikey died yesterday afternoon, i believe they said of a massive heart attack, but, i cant be sure, he was only 30 years old!!! that isnt supposed to happen to someone so young!!

He was having chest pains and his fingers were numb, so, he called my older sister to come and take him tot he hospital, she got halfway there and he started having seizures, and he stopped breathing, so, she called 911, they told her to pull over to the side of the road and get him out of the van and do cpr, then the ambulance came, but, Mikey had died..

Holly and the kids’ were out here swimming when Tina called the first time and told us she was taking Mikey to the hospital, i thought everything would be fine, I even promised the kids’ that he would be ok, that he would come back..

Then we made it to Hollys to get Maya another shirt before we went over to the hospital, as we were pulling out of the driveway, another phone call came, Mikey had died, after we all calmed down we went over to the hospital..

The docotor talked to us, and asked if we would like to see him, i immediately said "yes" so, a few minutes later, we all went into the room, and there lay my baby brother, ill never forget that image as long as i live, he was all bloated and white, he had a sheet just up to his neck, and some kind of mask on his face..

I kept staring at him begging him in my mind to sit up and laugh at us for falling for all this, but, that didnt happen, then i realized he was really gone, gone forever!!!!!

The docotor asked about donating his corneas and skin, (they cant take the rest of the organs), Holly and Tina agreed, i wasnt so sure, i didnt know if this is what mikey would want and i wasnt comfortable with the idea, but, they all talked to me, and said someone will be able to see again and his skin would help burn victims, and i realized that my brother was always doing what he could for people and he WOULD want this, so, i agreed, and a little part of him will live on through someone else..

Mikey had no insurance, so, im not sure what will be done, all these choices were thrown at us lastnight, organ donation, where the funeral will be ect. My brothre had just died for God’s sake, give us time to actually come to terms with this, and mourn a little..

I had a wonderful talk with my Aunt Sherri, and she said " your mom was waiting with open arms, and your dad too"….

I have to write this in here,as crazy as it may seem to some, this really happened…. yesterday morning while i was taking my usual nap, i had dreamed that Mikey had died, i dont know where we were, but, i remember talking to him, he was dead but he didnt know it..

I wonder now if that was telling me to call him and make him go to the doctor, it would have been early enough…

So, my subconcisness knew my brother was going to die, i have never dreamed something like that before! i just shook it off, because my brother was to young to die, then when the phone call came, I told Holy about my dream and i told Michael, and before we even got the news that he had died, i knew my dream was comming true..

I feel so awful, i will never see my brother again, the last thing i said to him was to get out of this town, that i was leaving at the end of the month, and i wish he would go to Arizona asap..

It saddens me so much to know that he will never have a family of his own, he didnt even have a girlfriend, he was lonely, i know that, he would sometimes tell me he wished he had someone..

Alot of people will miss Mikey very much..

I just feel so lost, he did alot for me and i tired to do what i could for him,but, sometimes it just didnt seem like enough..

When the doctor asked me if there was anything he could do, i said to him "can you bring my brother back??" and he said "no, im sorry" then i just shook my head and said i know..

Im trying to be happy for Mikey, because i know hes in a place where hes happy, and free of pain, and with my parents, but, i cant help be a little selfish and wish he was back here with us..

I told Holly yesterday that God wanted him to go home to be with him and mom and dad, and i know thats where Mikey is, they are all up there having a celebration,, looking down on us and watching over us all…

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