Just so tired..

   Michael’s been sick, he can’t eat or drink anything, it’s not the flu, nope, he did this to himself, and he’s been very moody too, he had me in tears yesterday, he wanted soup, then he changed his mind, so, i got on here and was playing games, then he got upset because he then wanted soup again and had a fit because i was on here, so, i got up and made him some soup, and it sat here, eventually he ate it though..

   He slept off and on all day yesterday, I feel so bad for him, running the bathroom every couple of minutes, can’t keep anything in his stomach, I wish there was something i could do for him, but, theres not, all i can do is sit back and watch him suffer, waiting for him to learn his lesson..

   So, worrying about him and walking 3 times a day has really worn me out, so, stop walking??LOL i wish it was that easy, ive been depressed about my weight, im not the weight i think i should be, and to be honest i dont know what it should be..

   I just wish i could be confident like so many other women seem to be, the key word "seem", i really don’t know if they are or not, if they aren’t they sure hide it well…

   I’ve been feeling badly about myself for sometime, but, recently, its gotten worse, people say things, not mean things, just things that get me thinking "what do they mean by that??"

   It doesn’t help that Michael flirts with all these women, he always says "i’m just a guy", but, he does it right in front of me, im not jealous, no, it just makes me feel stupid, and i find myself wondering what’s so wrong with me that he would flirt with another woman, like i’m not good enough, and i feel bad about it….

   I admit that my stomach isn’t flat, i’ve tried so hard over the years to work on it, but, nothing works, it makes me feel bad, because i do want a flat stomach, but, hey, I used to weigh 300 pounds, and the last time i was weighed it was 140, and i was less than that at one time,skin just doesnt stretch back, it has no where to go…

   Michael calls me poosh bear and pats my stomach all the time, which drives me nuts, at one time it was cute, but, it got old..

    I’m just very depressed and i’m scared that i’ll become what i was when i started losing weight, i only ate once a day and exercising was my life, i walked much more than 3 times a day, and i had the treadmill and stationary bike, basically i drove myself nuts, i cried all the time because i was worn out and i forced myself to stop, except my walks, which i love, i can be by myself and just think..

   I’ve never thought very much of myself, low to non existant self esteem, when i do  recieve compliments, i just laugh, i don’t take them seroiusly..

   I don’t feel this way all the time, sometimes i actually look at myself in the mirror and like what i see, those times arent very often though..

   I dont know how to explain the way i feel, I remember Andria always got on me about that, she would always say "if i looked like you" ect.. she couldnt understand why i pushed myself so hard, or why i didnt have the high self esteem, of course i never had it, and it doesnt come overnight..

   Hopefully, soon, ill get comfortable with my weight again..

 

*HUGS* TOTAL!

give taysosh more *HUGS*

Get hugs of your own

 

http://taysosh16866.tripod.com

 

Check me out!