08/14/2012

Well, im back once again.LOL sure wish id make up my mind, ive been thinking about writting here so often, but, i guess ive never ahd the time or just forgot, anyway, here i am, problems once again and hoping writting them down will clear them out of my head, maybe i can actually sleep again, the problem is i dont really have anyone to talk too, i do have a good friend, but she is going through so much that i dont want to complain to her about my problems..
ok, here goes, i think i might be in love, doesnt sound like a problem, i know, but, it is, i already have a boyfriend, and we live together, first ill explain about my relationship with my boyfriend, we have been together about 8 years, i guess, at first it was wonderful, then he changed, drinking, talking down to me, and he acts like im helpless, he doesnt really treat me like a woman should be treated, not the way i want to be treated anyway, i want a man who respects me and who isnt afraid to show me he loves me, and M. just isnt that man, theres more but i dont feel like writting it all out now…
Now ill talk about this other guy, *sigh* hes younger than me, id say hes about 30 at least, chubby(:)) he had a beautiful beard and hair but he recently shaved both, ughhh!!! i was so upset.LOL i guess i deserved it, i walked in the "meat store" with blonde hair (my hair is brown) and i lost some wieght, as soon as i walked in, he said "you dyed your hair! you look…. different" i thought, finally, he noticed me, then bam, the next time we went in he was all shaved up!!! grrrrr!!!
ok, im getting ahead of myself here, this guy, kid, whatever you want to call him, works in his family’s meat market, (hillbilly all the way), im not sure how long he has been working there because i never noticed him before, all of a sudden he started picking on me, i couldnt figure out why, then, my boyfriend, M. told me that this "kid" liked me, that he could see it in his eyes.LOL whatever that means, so, i was like, hmmm, then i started noticing him, his beard and his earing *swoon* at first i tried talking myself out of the feelings i was starting to feel, i told myself that he was to young for me, and what could he possibly want with a 43 year old woman??? i KNOW what he might want, but, he doesnt seem the type to use a woman for that.LOL he seems so sensitive and sweet and has a sense of humor, so, unlike M…
One time M and i were in the market (we go at least once a month, sometimes more when i want to see this "kid") M was telling the guys that work there about these young girls driving past him and hooting and hollering, then they realized how old he was and said " oh my God thats an old man", anyway, after he was done telling them, the "kid" came up to me, looked me straight in the eye and said "you should have said hes your old man" i just looked at him and said " i wasnt there" and we just stood there staring at one another until M. came over and said "where were you at???" he broke the spell that kid’s eyes had on me, i was a little upset, i was so lost in those eyes, ughhh!!!
This kid and i have made eye contact so many times, but, niether one of us has admitted to like the other one, he once said to M. "hasnt she left you yet???" M. told him, no and that i never would, hmmmm!
Im a really shy person, so, as you can imagine, i dont usually make eye contact and i dont smile, smiling invites people to talk to you, although this kid has no problem talking to me, he has tried so hard to get me to talk, i wont budge, he calls me "the girl who doesnt talk"LOL i just cant bring myself to talk to him, im just that shy, i know he likes me, i can see it in his eyes and i can just "feel" it, plus m. has told me also, i want so bad just to say to him" lets go out on a date" or something, anything to let him know that i DO like him, but when i go in there thinking, today is the day, i chicken out! i feel like a teenager for crying out loud!!!
On the other hand, i do have a boyfriend, its not the greatest relationship, i admit that, and i would love to have a realtionship with this "kid", but what if a reationship isnt what he wants? what if it does turn out he wants one, then i start thinking about the age difference, how long would a relationship last as i get older and wrinkly? and what if he wants kids’?? unfortunately, i cant have them, never could, would he accept that? what if his family doesnt like the age difference??? see what im putting myself through? there isnt anything really between us, just stares and him picking on me and here i am making a mountain out a molehill, no wonder i cant sleep!!!!!!
I told a friend about the "kid" and my concern about the age difference and she said some young guys dont care about age, and then she called me a cougar.LMBO
I just wish things were easier, love shure does hurt sometimes, if love is REALLY what it is, thats another thing, i dont know, it sure is flattering to know that a young guy has a crush on me, but how do i know if i really love him or if he is thinking about it? the looks he gives me says it may be, but my track record with love isnt very good..

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