CHAPTER 5: UNTITLED

The pain I feel is familiar. It’s one that I can’t shake. It creeps up on me even when I’ve ran through my self-love checklist twice.
I can’t stop thinking about who I am and who I’m meant to be. My world is always spinning ten times faster than I can grab hold of and I’m getting tired.

I wait to say hello to the sunrise because it’s a light that I know will always comes back.

What if trying my best isn’t enough like they said it would be? Grounding myself in a tornado of thoughts tonight is all I have left. The firmness of my floor feels like a hug and with the eyelashes that have fallen from my eyes, I’ll be spent wishing to blend into the walls where no one can see me anymore.

I’ve created a life where it’s easier if it looks like I don’t care, because my heart is only a foundation of what it used to be. I thought maybe if I could put up a cloud of smoke you couldn’t see me through it. This isn’t the first time I’ve been wrong about things.

Where do I go from here? How do I find the strength to say kind things to myself? How do I salvage the positivity I’ve been working hard everyday with? How can I say I’m worthy of my friends’ love again when I can’t bring myself to send a text that says “I’m struggling more than I can handle by myself”

Maybe if I try hard enough this time, I’ll blend back into the walls.
Maybe if I try hard enough this time, I’ll be who you want me to be.