CHAPTER 4: AUTHENTICITY AND ALIENATION

This chapter is an open letter to myself.

In the future, I hope I find you well rested. I know it’s hard to understand the meaning of rest — it sometimes feels impossible to slow down. In times like these I want you to remember when we lit the match of self love.

When we sat in front of the mirror and saw hope.

For many years, I found comfort in the reeling feeling of validation. A chronic people pleaser, just well enough hidden to not be told I’m out of place.

It used to be painful to think about the idea of someone rejecting any part of me and I developed ways to make sure that never happened. But now, it’s been years since I’ve had the kind of social energy I mastered for what seemed like so long. It’s realizing now I have pushed myself so far over the edge in chronic burnout, that I no longer have the energy to maintain the image of someone who wasn’t struggling.
But, while this chapter is about outlining my experiences and painting a picture, it’s also a space for me to remind myself of my rebirth.

I carved a place in time for me to love myself unconditionally with no matter if that means someone else won’t.

I don’t care anymore to reminisce on the times that people have made me feel small because I know that in this world I am a mirror and I will try and always shadow the way you treat me. I strive always for self awareness & wish for all my heart to be the kindest I can be to every soul I connect with. But this chapter isn’t about that.
While this is also an open letter to myself, it’s a letter to those in my past I no longer connect with, that hated who they saw when they saw me.  This is a letter where I want to say things like “thank you for getting me here” and “I now understand why we can’t connect anymore” but while I am,

I’m also not.

You wanted me aware that to you I am indigestible. So in this chapter, I’d rather you be forbidden from my time & my love. You did not deserve the honey in my words or the genuineness of my touch. My love reaches extents you never understood, it would always see your smile in the clouds. My love carries you on its back when the world feels heavier than you can carry.
That was a fucking undeniable promise.
If you could not or cannot see me for me, it won’t be my job to change that. The law of attraction is strong. I am done chasing.
What is for me will be. And unfortunately that means maybe that won’t be us.

I hope you give love to the places that made you judge and dismiss me in the first place.

Every day I walk on this earth trying to make a place for myself.

I hope that someday you can be kind enough to do that for yourself too.

Sincerely,
T