CHAPTER 1: “I WAS THINKING OF YOU!”
It’s important to remember that not all thoughts deserve your attention.
It is said that the mind is able to capture approximately 6,000 thoughts per day — making that about 6.5 thoughts per minute. When I read these facts, my mind goes to a place where it wants to rationalize what kind of six thoughts I could have going through my mind, each minute, per day. It makes me think about how many thoughts I’d give my entire Saturday night to – curled up in the corner of my bed, scratching away at my skin, in complete belief that I was brought here to suffer in misery almost all of the time. This fact makes me think about how many thoughts I have soaked into my skin over the years, convincing myself that I’m unworthy of others’ love (and yes that includes my own) It’s trying to wrap my head around which thoughts that have played a terrible part in my life and keep doing so.
Some thoughts become habits in a way like clockwork, making it much easier to fall into a cycle of feeling a certain way and way more likely. The next chapters I write will discuss the ways I am working on breaking my generational and childhood trauma in a more close manner, but I think we know where I might be going here. The more we pour our energy into negative thought patterns and behaviours, the more likely we are to feel the pain and hurt return into our lives whenever these thoughts come back into our psyche.
I have been telling myself that I am incapable, useless, and weak for my whole life and only when I started to give the thoughts that gave me that feeling of peace more attention, was when I started to see through the darkness for the very first time. I am a believer that self worth is not rewarded but completely built through your own hands. For instance, I’m trying to minimise how many times I get angry with myself when I mess things up (whether it’s accidentally or unintentionally) and think something like “of course we would mess this up” or “why do I always find a way to ruin something?” I feel completely hopeless for hours and end up picking myself up in a soggy mess, just to watch hours of cat tik tok to bring me back down to zen.
If my brain is going to do (approx) 6 thoughts per minute, I want to SHOVE as much positivity into that time frame as I can. After 23 years of life, I am now in the process of mentally washing (scrubbing, rinsing, lathering, repeat, YUPPPP!) my mind in ways that feel like I’m on fire. I feel like I’ve burst into flames and the only way out of this is to burn the fuck out of what I knew and lay the foundation of what I want my life to look like now.