No wonder

No wonder
you don’t want this, that’s all I can think about. I have this family and they mean everything to me but I grew up to the most verbal abuse a child can take. Did I get angry? No, that was my brothers job I instead tried to solve whatever it was that was making the anger. The names I was called the volume of screaming the grunting whispers all of it I brushed off so that I could focus on how to make it better. Well after some time I found out that some of those things stuck inside me. I would call them to myself, I would treat my body like it was worthless, just something to feel pain or pleasure from (please do not read that in a sexual way, if you do you are missing the whole point). If I felt it on the outside I would not have to feel it in the inside, these were my understandings. That did work for five years. Five years I was ..ok making my way.. then I saw how destructive I have been and tried to change my ways..I did, I thought everything was better, but its not, it never is. it stays the same. I am 7 years old tonight, crying so hard that I cough, secretly wishing that I would just give up on myself just to make it a lot easier. No wonder I feel like I don’t deserve any good thing that comes my way. No wonder I am so out of sorts. No wonder I am so hard to love. What do you expect when a girl comes from where I did. I try everyday to show people what I have learned and all they do is nod their heads and wait for thier turn to talk, so I just let them , I hope someday things will change…