A real place to spill my guts. 

Well OD is charging now-and that kinda sucks. I think I will lose all of my entries. I don’t work with artists anymore,  I don’t have a passion for a man anymore-as in I don’t get butterflies for the man I am with and I get butterflies for a nice hair cut. I am turning into things I do not like and I am chained here because I have a financial dependent. I want to be the one to explore and live. He is holding us both back working in a shitty job.. At the very least he could TRY to be happy.

What happened-how did I get in this? He was nice, that is why and when I first met him he seemed ambitious.  Damn, the story of every loser girl’s life I guess. I see all these men I dated out being and doing fun and exciting things. What in the fuck happened. I am so confused. He is a wonderful person but every time I bring up my issues he agrees and then “try” to fix it in the easiest way. I wish he could see I want to go out and live free. I am setting myself up to live the life I want, and I want him there but honestly… at this point…just as a friend. You wanna know what is insanely fucked up-non existent person who is reading this- I am engaged to him. I think for previous posts you can see that I pretty much suck or live in the headspace and things have only gotten worse. Damn, I tried so hard to be better, I “found god” then unfound him, I went to therapy, I reached out to friends and family. The only person whom can change your life is you.

I drink a lot.

I have stopped trying t kill myself but I wonder sometimes if I am restarting. When I was young..maybe nine-14 I would “overdo” things and said to myself “what happens, happens” I would drink a bag of wine and find as many expired pills in the house and take them. I said to myself it was to fell good but if I die-I die. NBD

I still feel that way. I didn’t for a moment. I was on a plane and I had gotten a new job. I was proud of myself for advancing. I felt good for a full year. Then people “met” me. I actually suck. I am not fun to be around. I know that. That is why I drink so much because I don’t even like being around me. I know and I get it-I am, a lot. I always have been.

I am not smart.

The person I am with is not the reason I am in a bad place, nor is he a bad person but I need him out of my life because he holds me back and I need to get past this. The faster I run to my goals the stronger and more capable I feel. Goals heal me.

How do I say this to the most comfortable guy you will ever meet? How do I say-since you lost your ambition I have lost my desire to be with you, he has depression-ok so fix it. I have it too but my solution is not playing COD all day.

What the fuck am I going to do?