Time with Samara

Samara came to school with me today, she did well I suppose, she played on her gallaxy most of the time actually, well until we were looking at Eakins "The Gross Clinic" She did not like it she said my teachers were too serious. 

I took her to chuck e cheese between classes, and it was nice to spend time just with her. It is rare these days when I can devote time to just her. 

Although spending time with her mad me sad. Now that I have other children it is more and more apparent her autism. When she is with me, and I can single in on her, she is present, but not there. She is in there somewhere, but she doesn’t know how to be there. She doesn’t recipriocate conversation, or know how to express anything but needs and wants. I know she is only 6, but even with Sabasatian, you can see him thrive, and i nteract, and he is there fully. He makes himself known.

I guess I struggle with it because I am such an out there person and she doesn’t understand me, and I such a hard time reading her, wanting to know if she is happy, or having fun or miserable. I love her so much, I wish it were all so much easier for her. 

I guess, I am still struggling with keeping the dark thoughts out. So much has been placed upon my shoulders lately and seeing this is just one more thing. 

I suppose some of it is when you have a child with autism, or anything else you have to greive, and the grieveing doesn’t happen all at once, but comes slowly in stages, a little bit at a time. Having a child with special needs means the experience you thought you might have had will probably be different. You have to greive the difference, and embrace it at the same time. I supppose today was one of those days where I saw it more than others.

Other than that, I have papers done! No more until next semester!!!! I have finals next week and then viola! I am done! I can deal with that. 

I am going to try and spend Christmas break rejuvinating my soul, spending time healing me a little more, I have too. I can not just allow everything to stay the same mcuh longer. One cleansing thing will be the cleaning of the house. It is insanely disordered right now, but with time off I hope to remedy that.

I think right now I hear the exhaustion come out in my voice, Sirris isn’t sleeeping because of his hand and so I am not either… 

So, for now…