Thoughts on the Funeral
This is one of those entires where, I hope by now I shouldn’t need a disclaimer, if you have been reaqding me for any amount of time you might have gathered, I look at this differently.
I went to my second funeral on Friday. I am quiet a lucky woman to be my age and only been to two. Sure I have known people who have died. In fact people close to me, but actually attending a funeral is something I have rarely done.
I veiwed the day as a sociological observation, I had no real emotional attachment, and I went in support of my husband and children. I even counted it as a school day for Samara. As her teacher I count social learning to be just as important. (Don’t worry we added in some online games, and reading later.)
Funerals are one of the strangest of our social constructs.
It was so odd, first the veiwing. We sat around talking in a room with a dead body, and looking at it? Why? Why stare at a corspe? There is nothing left in the body, their soul is gone, their spirit has left. The only thing that remains is an empty shell that once housed a loved one. Not anymore.
I completely understand the need for famility to gather together and grieve together, that to me seems healthy and normal. But to just stare and cry over a body? Why?
Everytime someone saw her they cried more. It was a huge visual reminder of what was lost.
I have made my wishes known, no open casket at my funeral. I don’t want people staring at me. I will be dead, my body used, why stare at it?
Another question, why take your one year old repeatedly to see said body, when she just cries because she isn’t being held by said person? Once ok, but repeatedly? Why? Then everyone went on to say how much she missed her grandmother? Are one year olds fully capable of such emotional complexety?
The service itself was full of cliches. Saying she lived a full but good life, and now she is in a better place. Que more crying.
No one spoke, or said anything other than the preacher who obviously had never met this woman in her life. The pastor she once knew died long ago.
They all said goodbye one last time, and then we drove across the street to the grqaveyard. Travis was a pallbarrer so we drove in front of the casket?
They then unloaded the casket, said ashes to ashes and dust to dust, and that was it? It took so much longer to drive over than it took for them to say something for a minute or so. The pastor shook my hand (shudders, I don’t like shaking hands, another strange thing to me, but that is a whole other entry) Then we all left.
I felt bad, because I had to take one of the 5 chairs at the gravesite. It was too hot, and I was feeling so weak from the heat.
The whole thing left me feeling puzzled, like I didn’t fully understand why we did what we did. It seemed like it should have been more, or should have been different? I have no idea what I am saying, or even thinking.
From there we went to a local church for lunch. The church served us and cleaned everything up. It is a church I have never been to, but it was nice. The only thing that could have been better was highchairs as our family has lots of babies right now. It was a much needed unwind time for everyone I think. Removed from the funeral home, and transitiioning into real life again.
I got to take home pretty flowers. Definetly some of the nicest I have ever gotten, no one wanted them. I on the other hand was happy to take them. Flowers are so happy. It is a huge boquet of roses and lilies in lilac and pink. They were donated by a local grocery store. (my FIL has worked there for 30 years)
I met another sil there. She had a 2 day old baby. We will never be friends. Our core values are drastically different. It was nice to hold a small baby for a few minutes, but I was all to happy to give it back to mom. It was nice to meet her, but I doubt I would recognize her at wal-mart if I had too.
So yes, my thought on this funeral. It left me feeling puzzled, and in the dark. I wonder if there are ways to make our social death rituals more friendly? I wonder what I would change? I guess it is something I will ponder, and perhaps address in the future. Or maybe if it is someone closer to me I will feel differently?
Funerals are an oddity to me also. Everyone standing in a corner, whispering and sniffling. I mean, you can write people off and act as if they were dead with nothing more than a shrug, but when they actually die its time for hand wringing and tears? I want no sugar coating at my funeral (if there is one). I want everyone to know just how big a jerk I could be at times.
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At my grandpa’s funeral, there was a pastor who did the service through the funeral home. It wasn’t at a church. He met with us (the family) before the funeral and asked for memories and such to use in his talk. Well his whole talk ended up practically being about HIS life, not my grandpa’s. He would say something like “John said that he loved to pain houses with his dad–oh and I painted our
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house once and the funniest thing happened..” and then a 5 minute story about his funny experience. He also called my grandpa Ray because someone had talked about a bar my grandpa liked to hang out in, called Ray’s… something. So he called him Ray instead of Max. And then he talked about how his wife Mary… his wife is Rachel, his sister is Mary. It was just a joke.
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I haven’t gone to a single funeral. So far… my closest in age cousin died… four grandparents… an uncle… and my brother in law… and I haven’t gone. Didn’t see the point. They’re dead. They don’t care I’m not there and I don’t have to be there to say good bye.
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I was going to donate my body to science once I died but it upset everyone so I took that part out of my will. What do I care what happens to me after I die? If they want something to fill a box with… stare… weep… whatever… then whatever. Funerals are for the living.
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In the UK you very rarely get open casket funerals. It’s normally all screwed down on the day before the service. Funerals are weird though, but they’re amazing to watch in different cultures and see the differences. xxxxxxxxxxx
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I’ve rarely understood the point of visitation. I, too, think it’s creepy to stand and stare at a dead body painted to look alive-ish. My whole family wants to be cremated when that time comes. Cremate me and scatter my ashes somewhere beautiful. Then take all that funeral money you saved, buy the absolute best top dollar weed and blaze it for me. Have a party, pass the bong, tell stories about meand laugh. Better yet, smoke with me BEFORE you scatter my ashes. Let me in on one last circle. I like that “funeral” much better.
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funerals are mostly for the people left behind. it helps with closure and to let go sometimes. if the person who died didnt leave specific instruction then usually its a traditional funeral. but if the person who died has requests the family will honour them because they feel they are granting the deceased their “last wish”. if i ever cry at a funeral for someone not so close to me, its for the
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..people grieving. if i cry at a funeral for someone close to me, its because i miss them. not because theyre dead. because their either in a better place, or none at all. we don’t know. we can just believe things. funerals can be weird if you look at it literally. thats why i think of it as a grieving process. everyone is different and to each their own with how they deal with loss.
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