The one where I lose my SH** over pictures because I am a mom

The burden of busy falls to women. As of right now that burden is Christmas, more specifically, in my house, that means, family portraits to go in the Christmas cards.

I love family portraits, I love children’s portraits, they are something I sincerely treasure. Since my divorce however, they have not happened for various reasons, money, time, motivation, etc.

I desicied it was time.

So, I did the following, I bought the outfits, I decorated the house, I scheduled the time, I bathed the kids, I got everyone including myself looking all pretty and fabulous, I got the camera working, and set up, and I even asked two adults to have a very earnest talk with my children clearly outlining my expectations, and what they mean to me. All I asked from people was ten minutes of no tablets, no phones to pretend for a minute like you dont want to hit your brother, and you can feel like smiling. But fuck do you think that happened?

Nope?

Instead, we had crying, and tantrums, and moods, pouting, and just general disrespect. Hell, even Ed is all slouchy and weird in the picture like he doesn’t want to be there.

I literally did everything else, all anyone needed to do was sit there, and smile. FUCK>

AND I LOST MY SHIT.

Basically I told everyone, this was one of the biggest ways for everyone to show love to me, in all the crazy of life. I was asking for something simple. 10 minutes of their time to give me something. As a mom, I feel like everyone needs something from me all of the time. For 10 minutes I wanted, no I needed them to give a damn about me enough to be a part of something bigger than themselves.

Pictures capture moments in time I will never regain, and time keeps slipping away. Since my mom passed, this fact keeps coming back to me. I am not guaranteed time. No one is. Pictures are comfort. Simple as that.

But I lost my shit, seriously, and I am not sure it is just the pictures, it is the grief, somehow, I am continually struggling to learn how to be a mother without my mother.

My kids went to their aunts after that, pre=planned, for that I am grateful. I got to go out with Ed, we had a nice lunch, we went and got wedding items, and then we got overly distracted and came home. That was awesome. No kids home, awesome!

I have calmed down, but I am still wracked with guilt over losing my shit, and working on solutions in my own head.

I edited the photos, cropped peoples heads on their crappy faces. Made it work. I kinda fixed it. Years from now, I will look back at the early days as us as a family and smile. BUT today is not that day. It just isnt.

The pictures are not terrible. They just aren’t magical. I was hoping for magic, I know that is my own fault. Maybe I just needed it.