seeking balance

I am struggling tonight, trying to find inner peace and balance, I am quietly sipping on mother’s milk tea, and silently praying for strength tomorrow. 

I am saddened by the realization I have to leave my baby tomorrow. He is smaller than any of my other babies when I had to go back to work/school. Sabastian was a year, and Samara was 9 months. At just 5 months he seems so lttle. He trusts me so much, and it will be so hard to leave him for so long tomorrow. I will be gone from 930-830 tomorrow. I am leaving him with milk and food, so I know he will be fine, it is just convincing him of this.

I feel excited and then guilty about school. I have worked so hard, strived so long for this moment, I am a senior FINALLY. I have had three children, and I am going in on top, with my sights set on a goal, and I will do it. But, my babies are still so little.  I am struggling pumping, and am in a lot of pain as result. It does not feel good to want something so badly and to have my body fight agaisnt it. But I am dedicated to nursing my babies, and I will goon through the pain. The nursing bond is so sweet I can’t sacrifice it. It would be easier to wean, but it would not give me such rewards. I Cherish it, I love thebond and I enjoy the love and quiet only nursing brings me. Other moms know what I mean. 

I need balance, it will come, I need to remind myself to slow down, breathe, look around me and enjoy my life. Enjoy the good times that are in front of me. I all too often get caught up in my life and where it is going I forget the hear and now. I forget to see the smiles, and laugh at the funny parts.

This year will be amazing, I know it. It will be a challange, but I will thrive. 

So, tomorrow it all begins, I am off to snuggle with my babies. 

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