I should be resting…

 I still feel pretty awful since birth. 

My b/p is out of control even on medication, I am still swollen, and still hurt. 

Basically the doctor told me I need to simply lay in bed until my body heals. 

Well, that is awesome in theory, but I can’t do it. 

She doesn’t want me doing dishes, laundry, caring for kids, or doing homework until my iron is back, I stop bleeding, and my b/p is back to normal. Short of them giving me respite nurses to come do all these things for me, or hospitalizing me it can not happen. Because Bonnie works 40+ hours a week, Travis works 60+ hours a week, and I have a month till finals. Samara has therpay 20 hours a week, and Sabastian and sirris need diapers changed, and fed. 

I do have some help coming in this afternoon… It will be something, I wish I wasn’t so embarassed by my house. I have been too weak to do anything, and I need a professional cleaning team to come in and clean everything and then help me keep it this way. Although my house is way cleaner than when I was growing up (think hoarders) I still struggle, and I still carry the embarassment of it. In fact, I have had numerous friends tell me how awful my house is, and have my lack of domesic skills be the butt of all their jokes… It hurts, because I don’t know hwo to make it better. 

Anyways, for all the help Travis was last week, last night he was back to his usual rant, I work hard all day, I don’t want to hear kids scream when I get home. Well kid, sorry but babies cry at night. Its what they do, 

Sabastian has been in a mood this week. He hurts, he tried jumping out of the van and ate the concrete driveway. It looks pretty painful, poor little boy.

Sigh…did I mention I am simply tired? I wonder if I will ever feel better, feel like myself again. Having this baby has been so hard on my body, and I just feel like crying. My mom was so much the same way and it is terrifying. Physically I shouldn’t have had three kids, but which child would I give up? None of them. 

The even more frustrating thing is I know i need the rest, and I know I need to heal, but staying down is challanging, and to look at me I don’t obviously look "sick". It doesn’t allow for mcuh sympathy. 

Oh well, I should stop whining. I am still emotionally overwhelmed. It has been a rough month or so, and the details of the birth are finally catching up to me. Having the surgery I feel ashamed of in a way. What happened afterwards was terrifying… I have nightmares, and sittting in the ob office yesterday filled me with panic, and it was all I could do to not burst into tears right there.