Homeschool struggles

 Both kiddos are fast asleep and have been for a while now. Samara said she was too tired to do homework and went to sleep under her school desk. She said she was too tired all day. I wonder what time she went to bed?

With them in bed, I filled the cracks in the patio, and then Bonnie and I cleaned the living room and den. What exciting lives we lead. Now I am watching MASH while writing this. The one where Hawkeye and BJ lend money to a Korean boy to buy a ring, but he is drafted while traveling by force. 

I have been struggling with Samara the past week or two. School is not going well. Her behavior is out of control. She is hiting me, scratching and biting me, running away, and she even attacked a therapist. She won’t leave her brother alone, and she is all together unpleasent. She isn’t eating, she is barely sleeping. I wish I knew what is going on with her. She is so upset, and can’t seem to tel us why. Bonnie and i even tried taking just her out on a girls date so we could talk, and nada. 

School is a struggle for her. Her skills are so stagered. She is struggling with fine motor, she has difficulty cutting, and writting. She has to hold her head up at the desk to do her work. having her write anything at all is too much for her to handle. 

However, when it comes to working on verbal problems she is doing fabulously. I read her a story, and she got all the questions right at the end. Had I tried to get her to write down the answers she couldn’t have answered. She can count to 20 by her self, but can’t recognize the numbers when written, and forget about writting them. 

She had a worksheet to write numbers of of counted objects without the numbers on the page. She could count the objects fine. 2, 4, 6, 8, 12. but was unable to write them. When she finally did she wrote them backwards. Including S1 for the number 12. Her letters are often backwards as well except when they are in the 5 words she can spell from memory, Samara, Tami, Dog, Cat, Ort. 

I am seriously begining to wonder if she has dyslexia? I know it can be common to write things backwards through age 6 but all the letters and numbers? I only am asking because both of my parents have it, and myself and my kiddos struggle with some milder form of it. Myself I struggle with right and left, andf spatial awareness, the only way I have compensated is by having certain rings on certain hands. I still get very confused with directions. Perhaps it is not dyslexia persay, but it is something my mom in particular struggles with with her condition. 

It is heartbreaking to see her struggle. Then I wonder how much of it is her struggling, and how much of it is stubborness? How much of it is Autism and she can not help it? I wish I knew, and I could help her better. I knew homeschooling her was not going to be easy, and it isn’t. I do think that homeschooling her is going to be the best for her. I know with this behavior in the school setting, it wouldnt work. I am glad I can be home to work one on one with patience with her. If nothing else she is teaching me patience. 

I finally found a book on homeschooling your special needs child, and it has helped in a way. It has shown me some of the struggles that will be expected. It also showed just how it may be slow, but any progress should be praised. It was good to hear, since I don’t really know anyone else who homeschools special needs kiddos. Many of the homeschool groups I am in claim they do, but they don’t. Often I hear stories of how in school the child had learning problems, but at home with adjustments the child flourishes. I don’t know if that is so much special needs as mismatched learning styles being corrected? It seems different. Maybe it isn’t but from where I sit it feels that way. 

I am not regretting having Samara, or homeschooling even. I just am at a point where i need to get creative and make this work out. She is so resistant to learning and listening, and perhaps it is me who needs to learn her better, ands not the other way around..

While Samara was out of control today, it occured to me when I have this baby I won’t be able to take all three out by myself for a while. Samara at any minute can chose to run off, and then how do I handle her and the other two? Then Sabastian will start the terrrible twos before I know it. frustrating for all of us. Then while holding the baby it will all be too much. I look at Sabastian and I know all too soon, my happy smiling boy will turn into a crazy screaming toddler who everyone stares at in Wal-Mart. I feel bad, because I know it is just as challanging for them as it is for us. 

I am happy to see that it seems Sabastian is turning out pretty neuro typical! He has sensory issues sure. He needed a bit of a shove to get his gross motor going, but overall he is doing well. 

It still scares me to see if this baby has autism or not. I suppose it doens;t mater thought does it. Nothing will change how I feel about this baby. I will love this little one no mater what. Just as I love all my children for who they are, and as they are. 

You know I may not like autism, but I wouldn’t know my daughter with out it. My only wish is that she wouldn’t struggle so much. If there was one thing I would change that would be it. 

This is such a long entry. I needed to get it out. i am feeling a little isolated lately. Not really sure why. I have people who are wiling to listen, and kinda get it, and I am lucky. I just feel like it is the same thing over and over again. I feel like saying these things over and over again get old. We are at the same place we are a year ago. The same behaviors and sruggles. I am even pregnant AGAIN. The only thing that has changed is I have added in Sabastian to the mix. 

I should go to bed. Both kids asleep early means they will be up early. Of course right now 730 is sleeping in for me these days. Sabastian is such an early riser, and now with out nursing he thinks he needs a bottle right away or he is going to die.