Have I been crying?

My eyes sting like I have been crying, my vision is blurred, but I haven’t been crying have I?

No, not while I am awake so it must be allergies right?

Right.

He called me last night, and was suicidal maybe? I don’t know, I have learned to not be so reactive to him anymore. I did see that he is still in there somewhere, I saw it. I heard it. 

I realize now I need to focus less on him, and more on me. I am having bursts of anger and rage that are completely uncontrolled and unconcious until they are billowing to the surface in a vile mess.

How, do I start to reconcile in my own mind how to let go of the anger and feel whole again? No really I am asking? This will be my career I have got to figure it out.

I am trying so hard to not let the dark thoguhts creep into my soul, and keep them at bay. Maybe the universe hates me, maybe I am being punished for my sins, maybe I am meant to simply not be happy? I am working so hard to keep these thoughts out, they are poision and I don’t need them, but at the same time, keeping them out is not dealing with them….  

This weekend he will be coming home to go to a veterans celebration…. I am struggling with it…