Decorating

I have some stillness to my morning, Ed is at soccer, Sirris is playing minecraft, and the bigger two are at school. My mom emails are sent, my work emails sent, and my planner is all happy.

Christmas is upon us, my tree is up, I placed it up out of obligation, and not out of joy. I placed it up in attempts to envoke festive feelings. It is not that  we are not happy. It is that Christmas was my mom’s thing, and grief is a bizzare beast. But, I don’t want to deprive my children the magic of the season, so I won’t. I also do not want to make our first Christmas as a couple all mopey and weird. Hell I can be weird enough on my own without pulling in mopey weirdness. So I decorated.

My tree is tall and green. 9 ft tall to go in my vaulted ceiling picture windows. It is filled with memories, and it is pretty. But it also has my unique touches that let you know I am still me. I still have my skulls and spiders on the tree, letting you know I am still in here. I feel good to be in here. The best thing about Ed, he loves me, with the skulls on our tree, or tears running down my face he thinks I am great. I think he’s pretty great too. And we love each others kids, even when they drive us crazy.

Case in point, his youngest. So, here’s the deal. His kids, primarily two of his sons are not too keen about me. They actually are pretty pissed I exist. I came out in a pretty grandiose way in the divorce. Federal laws may have been broken, etc. (I didn’t do anything, things were done against me.) anyways, that is besides the point. The point is there are two grown men who are still very angry with their father to the point their relationship is strained. The primary reason is gasp, how could you get a divorce, its a sin, second, how could you chose to be with, “her” (meaning me). It is all very dramatic, and very over the top and very much bullshit. I get that feelings have been hurt, but nothing is being resolved in their current standoff. Anyways the youngest ran away and joined the army, he is in basic right now. No one will tell us anything. Their family is a hard core career military family, for Ed to be excluded is a passive aggressive jab. And it drives me crazy. This a grown man throwing a tantrum. Why do grown men have to act like children? The thing is none of his kids want to know anything about me, there are things they don’t know about me, like how much I care for them, or how much I love their dad, or how we saved each other, or just small little things. I don’t want to be their mom, I do want to respect them, and I want them to have a good relationship with their dad.

It makes me grateful for my little boys problems, and reminds me that all too soon that their problems will get bigger.

Wow that got into a weird tangent. Ahh DIary, I am so glad you are back, for my random tangents. Smiles, and with that I have a lunch date!