Let’s Try Anonymity … Entry 1

I’ve thought about writing down my thoughts and feelings down for a while now. I have started many times, but I get hung up on perfection. I truly do love writing, but am also a perfectionist, and when I’m trying to understand my emotions, it’s hard to also play the role of an editor. Finding the right words is not easy, but anonymity allows for imperfection in ways that putting pen to paper does not. That is unless I had plans to burn each piece of paper and the imperfect words along with it. Realistically I’d end up accidentally setting my house on fire and then imperfect words would be the lesser of my problems. In that case, I think opening up anonymously is the better choice, so here we go…

How is it possible for my body, already full to the brim with blood, bones, organs, nerves, cells, and everything else, to contain so many emotions? More specifically, the sadness and hurt that seem so crushing? My whole life, I have seemed to have far too much empathy and I feel “too much”. While I don’t hold grudges, my body does hold onto the pain of the sadness from a situation, and should it repeat itself, the pain comes back tenfold. If we do have souls, can they become to full or too heavy? Is soul enlightenment real? These are the things I wonder about from time to time.

If there is a soul, then I find the term “soul-crushing” to accurately describe the feeling of sadness. It is a suffocating emotion that begs to be all consuming, is relentless in its pursuit of total domination over other emotions, and at times behaves like a child throwing a tantrum. On the other side, there is happiness, which can be the most incredible feeling. It can also be fleeting, especially in the sense of being happy with yourself; who you are to your core, how you affect the lives of others, and if you make a difference in the world.

While today I am experiencing sadness, I’d still much prefer it to not feeling at all. It is when I can no longer feel that I question if my soul has reached capacity and has gone on strike to fight for it’s right to emotions other than sadness. Is is a measure of self protection or just a means to terrify me into wanting to let in my emotions?

I find it very easy to self reflect, but the analytical part is lacking… I can tell what I’m feeling and even understand why to some extent, but I don’t know how to move through it. Like a hot potato that you have to keep passing between your own two hands because no one else can figure it out for you, but dropping it isn’t the solution either. One way or another, you end up with burnt hands, an unsanitary potato, and a mess of emotions without an instruction manual for “cleaning”.

I myself was not raised with religion, but was encouraged to learn about the religion and spirituality of others. I do wonder if an absence of spirituality is part of the chaos that I call my brain. I am surrounded by others who are firm in their beliefs, and have found comfort in it when they needed answers. To be honest though, their religious rules and threats of condemnation if not followed do not bring me comfort. It isn’t that I don’t want to follow the rules, but that there are so many, and with ambiguity as well as translating them to modern times, it feels like everything that I could possibly do could be considered a sin. Even the idea of self-care could be seen as vanity and this adds to my stress, anxiety and I myself can’t live that way. So while I respect their religion and am happy that it brings them comfort, I don’t think that it will be helpful to me.

I have instead focused on my personal values and who I want to be. The golden rule – “treat others the way you want to be treated” is a good one, but I’ve learned as I’ve grown up that it isn’t as simple as it sounds. School didn’t exactly teach the part that just because you treat others well, it doesn’t mean that they will reciprocate. This is okay though, because it brings me to a second value which is that “you never know what is going on in someone’s life until you’ve walked a day in their shoes”. I really wish more people gave grace to others and instead of being quick to judgement or anger, could offer support, even if that means giving them space and understanding that no one is perfect and we all have bad days i.e. that soul crushing sadness I mentioned earlier. These are just a couple of the values I’ve adopted, but at this point in my life, what I really seek is a pathway to inner peace.

Peace meaning that I can process my emotions and learn what to actually do with them other than screaming and crying, but also mental peace so that I am not constantly anxious of everything. I am so afraid of hurting or offending others, of not being a good enough person, a good enough wife, a good enough friend, a good enough worker, or of causing anyone anxiety because I know how it feels.

Anxiety has unfortunately taken over many times in my life, and isn’t always helpful. I would love some peace away from anxiety, but I guess it’s how I’m hardwired and maybe there isn’t an upgrade available at this time. There are definitely some bugs that need to be worked out though.

So to summarize, I’d like the instruction manual to living a happy life, managing anxiety so that it doesn’t hurt so much, a way to process my emotions, and honestly how to know who you should be, how to love the person you are, and how to get back from burnout because all of this is exhausting and my brain didn’t come equipped with a reset button.

Any tips or tricks to life are greatly appreciated if you happen to read this!

Until next time

-TaliaSoulFull (get it? lol)