SPINSTER

My dreams are composed from snippets of my reality. These interludes have the underlying theme of “disapproval” So naturally I wake up with feelings of self worth and the longing to be accepted. I could only hope to someday free myself of this vicious cycle of unworthiness.

There are times in my so called life, existence, holding pattern or whatever it may be where my world stops spinning and I’m afflicted with such forceful lachrymosity, this morning was one of those days. I tend to think my dreams precurce these episodes which are so forceful and cause me to curl up in an enervated fetal postion.

BB just doesnt get it! He hates it when I cry. I tell him I need to release my frustrations of sorrow which fester in the deep cavern of pitiful soul. I tell him it is good for me to cry. He tries to understand and has been calling me this morning with apoligies. I keep on reiterating the fact that him and I are not on the same page in the book of life. We are on two different journeys. I believe in the institution of marriage, he believes marriage is just a piece of paper, I belive in God, he doesn’t believe in a higher power, We are so very different. I really try to accept our differences but by doing this I feel like I’m cheating myself out of more fullfilled life. I want to live my life to the fullest. I just don’t know what to do.

In reading my previous entry “the invitation”, I’m forced to examine my own reality. Everytime I read this beautifully written piece of work by Oriah Mountian Dreamer, I must ask my self “I’m living and loving well.” When I become an old women, will I look back and have no regrets. The answer is “No” I’m just going through the motions and routines of living.

I was with my family this weekend. I know they love me but sometimes their words can be toxic. I’m sure they don’t realize what I have been going thourgh lately. My sister “cricket” says I’m his “common law wife” The thought of being a common law wife adds to my low self worth. SUB TEXT: just got a phone call she asked for Mrs B—–. I told the telemarketer I was the common law wife of the house. They always seem to call at the most improper times.

<ddMiss Britt doesn't even look up to me. Her words were hurtful too. "I don't want to end up like you..you know being un married at 39" Her mother was appalled by this statement and tried to repremend her but I told her that Brittney is just expressing a truth.

I’m a beautiful, educated, caring, loving, creative spinster I should deserve the best in life and have a man to take my hand in marriage a man who will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. I deserve a man who can journey with me and live with failure his and mine , and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “YES”

I’m at a crossroad and don’t know which way to turn.

Why can’t men be like dogs and love you uncondionally. Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Men:

10. Dogs don’t feel threatened by your intelligence.

9. Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.

8. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

7. Dogs think you are a culinary genius.

6. You can house train a dog.

5. Dogs feel guilt when they’ve done something wrong.

4. Middle-aged dogs don’t feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.

3. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

2. Dogs don’t care whether or not you shave your legs.

1. Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.