A MARTHA STEWARD THANKSGIVING–NOT!!!

A couple of weeks ago I attended a Washington only wine tasting party at my sister’s house. After several glasses of a very divine Yakima winery wine, my mother and sisters who so whole-heartedly took advantage of my bubbliness coerced me into having the annual “Thanksgiving production. “Your house is more roomer, more spread out and a two level was their excuse. I had the party two years ago and with having five other sister you would think it would only be the prudent thing to do to to choose the next sister in line…but no!

The last time I had the party it took me a month to plan out according to Martha Steward’s timeline. I followed it to the T. It was the most perfect party. Home made place cards at the three tables. It was very challenging placing the appropriate people together. I remember placing my uncle who happens to be a Catholic priest at the opposite end of the table from my “living in sin” boyfriend. Ex husbands away from new husbands, medical people together, postal employees, school teachers together. I must say it was quite the feat. I had special rooms for the wine tasting, appetizers and a special pie table. There was a Thanksgivng Triva Contest with prizes and an after dinner entertainment slide show presentation of my sisters and I when we were young. An older niece made a video tape montage of the days events while the second to oldest niece helped out with watching all the children. Movies and arts and crafts kept the kids busy upstairs.

Now it is less than 48 hours and I haven’t really planned anything yet.

HELP!!!

Lets see.. here is my guest list: 24 adults and 14 children

I found this letter when I typed in “Martha Steward’s Thanksgiving on Google. The letter gave me much comfort tonight. I will print it off and make copies for my family –as I help them with their coats, I will hand them this letter….

Dearest Family,

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I’m telling you in advance, so don’t act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won’t be coming, I’ve made a few small changes:

1. Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

2. Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I’ve gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.

3. The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

4. Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.

5. We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I’m sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children’s recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don’t own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

6. We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We’ve also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table … in a separate room … next door.

7. Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress “private” meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

8. I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that “passing the rolls” is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.

9. Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of you diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.

10. Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice among 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won’t come next year either. I am thankful.