Single Again

Broke up with girlfriend of five years about a month ago.

Well, it wasn’t actually me breaking up – – – but I told her that the only way the relationship could continue was if we had seperate apartments. We were fighting a fair amount since late last year.

And she had a dog that she’d never housebroken. Which doesn’t seem like a huge deal – – – it does add up.

One morning she was screaming at the top of her lungs at me about something and I just flipped like a switch – – – and I knew I couldn’t live like this anymore. And I asked her to move out.

She later told me she was "just joking" when she was screaming and I should get over it. I asked her if she lying about that — because it just didn’t make any sense that I could see.

So – I told her we needed seperate residences. And she said that if we were going to live apart, then it was over. And, this time, I didn’t argue the point and try to salvage the situation.

And, three days later, she said we should reconcile and work this out. And, this time, I chose note to. I focused on the argument, I remembered the bad time and told myself that I needed to be done — that I couldn’t live this way anymore: walking on eggshells, apologizing for minutiae, avoiding going home to avoid arguing.

So – – – we’re living in seperate apartments and we’re not together anymore.

I alternately feel incredibly relieved, guilty for feeling so relieved and occasionally depressed about the good parts of the relationship being over.

I really never wanted to be 36 and single – – – but I really can’t see staying with things the way they had gotten.

She tells me she doesn’t understand why we’re apart. I’ve made my case once or twice – – – but she doesn’t seem to understand and we’ve pretty much stopped talking about to.

"We weren’t fighting that often," she says. I replied: "That’s only because I was staying away from the apartment most nights until you were asleep and I found ways to stay away from the apartment on weekends."

She thought I was joking about that. I told her I wasn’t and she didn’t really believe me.