Since he passed away…feelings and emotions

I don’t know where to start, but here goes

Well a month has come and gone since Mike died and I still miss him every single day and his birthday is coming up, I hope the day is not too bad for me. I am still having a tough time but not as bad because just talking to him like he was right here with me helps some days, I don’t cry anymore I still tear up every now and then. I had that day of depression where I’m like I don’t want to be at work, I don’t want to be home, I don’t want to be anywhere but I had to pull myself back and was like nope can’t go there. I still have my low days where I sleeping with a shirt he got for me or listening to my mourning/heartbreak playlist sometimes both. Then other low days I don’t go too low or low to long because I think it can be worse I could be pregnant with his child and would have to go to his wife and family who don’t know me and tell them not to mention getting a DNA test and I say THANK GOD I’m not, it’s not I didn’t want a child with him cause we talked about it. I wanted a child with him, him by my side, I don’t want to do it by myself without him. I tell you I don’t think I will mourn my parents or siblings death has hard as I mourn his, maybe because it was so unexpected and he was the man I Loved no matter all the other stuff. Bottom line is I Loved him and I believe he Loved me too, he once told me never to doubt his love for me so …I’m not going to. I guess he covered his tracks cause I was expecting a message or phone call from his wife (even though I don’t know what their situation was) and in a way I was hoping for one but it hasn’t come so I guess that’s it with that. Why was I hoping for a call because I want to know about the girl. I want to know how their coping and doing, think about them just about everyday and pray for them. I will never get to meet them but I do care about them… a few weeks ago was my name sakes birthday and all I can think of was it’s her first birthday without her dad and that she wanted to go to Legoland for her birthday and he was gonna take her. So I wonder if she still went or even felt like celebrating her birthday and his oldest birthday is next month and she wanted to go to universal. Then I think about their education they were in private school will their mom keep them there or move them to public school…then I think they were going to get braces will they still get them also their dad had them in volleyball will my name sake stick with cause she wasn’t big on it. So yeah think about his girls and that stuff and more I care for those girls never meeting them, they were his world, then again I think it could of been worse again…I could have had a relationship with the girls and due to Mike dying that could of been taking away from me since I’m not their actually parent. It is said everything happens for a reason, I just don’t know what the reason could be…I said GOD if you had him die to show me he wasn’t the guy for me that’s a little too harsh.