Relaionship update – Heart broken/He lied/He’s gone

Quick relationship catch up from past diary: I met mike back in 2006 and even back then I loved him even after he ghosted me in 2007 or 2008 we reconnected back in 2011 and built up our relationship up from there. He had a daughter back in 2006 and when we reconnected he had another daughter he named after me. In 2015 he asked me to be his girlfriend so we ended up being in a semi distant relationship in 2017 we started going out with each other every other month to monthly. He even met my parents and sister.

Mike was a constant part of my day to day for the last 3 to 4 years but Mike died few weeks ago and I’m struggling not over it. He was in hospital for pneumonia and a blood infection I was going to see him but he told me not to he doesn’t want me getting sick talked and to him that evening for a bit cause he was a little groggy then I called next morning close to noon to be told he passed away in the early morning and that broke me I was heart broken I cried for days I did go to work cause I couldn’t stay in home moping and crying. I literally had heartbreak syndrome cause I literally had a low pain in my chest I had to take bayer a couple days. A few days later I found out he was married after he told me more than once he wasn’t and he didn’t live with the girls mom, also it appears I must of been a secret cause one friend said he never mentioned me and his best friend was like girlfriend? but he mentioned both of them to me. I would talk to him 7 days a week all hours as early as 6:30am and as late as midnight sometime later for 2 to 3 hrs, he never rushed me off the phone I would hear his girls in background every now and then. So I don’t know what the situation was with them because I know married couples living apart or even together cause they can’t afford to divorce…I really don’t know what there situation was. I didn’t go to his funeral cause I couldn’t bring myself to as much as I wanted to I was not about to disrespect a wife I never knew he had or cause any drama for his girls, I would never want to tarnish their image of him or his wife for that matter. As devastated I was of his passing the girls must be destroyed cause I now they loved him and he did the same they were his world. I didn’t think I was so in love and blinded by his love that I missed signs of him being married at this point if they were living together she must work over night, as far as what he tells her when he’s out with me and come home early morning, I don’t know. I will never know the truth and I have to be ok with that I’m somewhat getting over his death and betrayal and I will never be the same. It’s still hard but I have to think his girls have it way harder, cause they do. No I don’t hate him, I forgive him because out of all that I still love him…why? I just do we had a connection…he was MY ONE. Despite everything I know he loved me, naïve you say? maybe.