Had a down weekend
Hey it’s been a bit, hope everyone is well. It’s was a reminiscing weekend it’s been 4 years since his death as of last weekend. Last weekend I was fine but this weekend I was not, it has been a while but I was down over the weekend. I went back and read all the text messages and went to sleep listen to two playlists that I made when he died, crying was included. Why am I still so caught up with another woman’s husband who I fell in love with not knowing (you know the story) it’s like my heart I will always be attached to him. I don’t know how to unattach my love and feelings I don’t know if it’s my mind or my heart…one of them not able to let go. I don’t know if it’s just me not wanting to let go maybe the thought of what ifs and what could have been that’s what keeps me going back into this place. I can’t help but wonder what if… what would have happened if he didn’t die? would we still be together? would he have chosen me over his wife? I guess naive me would want to say we’ll be happy and together but I’m not sure about that and I think that’s what makes everything so in limbo because he’s gone, I’m still wondering these things like could I have walked away from him I don’t know. It will be really hard for me to walk away I would like to think I’ll be strong enough to but I know him at least I think thought I did, I would have tried to but it would have been hard as hell but I would have dug my heels in but knowing him he wouldn’t have let me go because he did tell me he would lie to me to keep me. He was so adamant that he would wear me down in the beginning to be with him again and I was so adamant that it would not happen we would just be friends. He won he got his way because I never stopped loving him to begin with. It is what it is after all he didn’t come looking for me, I looked for him so I guess you could say I hurt myself but do I regret maybe a little, I loved every moment with him but the memories are what’s killing me. I don’t want to love that hard, I don’t want to hurt that deep I don’t know if I could ever trust completely again.