i think the universe is testing me

i really do!  one of the things i read in one of my law of attraction books was that the universe will give you little tests.  i think my test is on how much i really want a relationship vs my "soul mate."  from what i read, you put your "order" with the universe for what you want–for example the character traits and stuff i’m looking for in my future husband or whatever.  the universe sent me kevin who has soooooooooo many of those traits!  but, not all of them.  and that is what i think part of my test is.  will i settle for kevin (who i adore, but i’m not sure where its going), or do i hold out for the person who meets all of my so called criteria?  did the universe give me kevin to see how firm i was on those traits?  or to see if i just want a relationship vs. getting married.  what i REALLY want is to get married and have babies.  kevin is snipped and has 3 kids and told me he is not having more.  the new guy (now old guy i guess) is also snipped with 2 kids, but is willing to have more if he gets married again.  and he meets a lot of my criteria, but again, not all of it.  less than kevin does, actually.  so, i’m not sure what is going on.  i have complete faith that my future husband/father of my children is out there looking for me.  if i already found him, i want a definite sign with a giant arrow flashing and pointing to him so i don’t miss it haha!  i can be oblivious, this i know.

another test i think the universe is putting me through is my ability to commit.  i never had a problem until mike (the asshole) left.  he bruised my trust for a long time, but i believe it is healed.  this weekend, i had 2 people from my past that i had as casual sex parnters call me and want to "hang out."  i turned them both down.  one is in a serious relationship.  the other is not, and i think he does meet a lot of my criteria, but i don’t think he is looking to settle down any time soon.  the 2nd one, is my bartender.  he has a full time job as well, is hot as hell, has huge shoulders (that i love!), is cute (to me), funny, sweet, smart, personable, chatty, extroverted, just about everything i want.  plus he has the MOST GIGANTIC *ahem* thing!  that i have EVER seen!  i mean, the first time he came over, we were fooling around and i had to send him home before things went too far because it scared the crap outta me!  i did tell bartender guy (formerly known as sunshine), that i did want to hang out, but this was only after i decided to tell him that i am looking for a relationship, not casual sex.  i think by doing this, it will help me pass this test.  i can see if he is in the same boat as i am, or if he is just looking to fuck around.  and if he wants a relationship, well then hot damn!  i’ll be all over that!  but, if he just wants to fool around, i’ll have to turn him down. 

oh, and i did see on okcupid that kevin updated his profile.  he wants communication every day (it was one of the questions he answered).  so, i guess i need to be more aggressive and text him and call him more often.  i didn’t do it at all last week, trying to see if he would text me first.  he didn’t 🙁  so, saturday i texted him about my productive day and today i texted him telling him that i made french toast.  he said that made him hungry haha.  so, i said i would make it for him sometime and he said he would like that.  🙂  i think thats a good sign??????  at least, i hope it is and he is not losing interest in me and just wants me for sex or whatever.  i’ll have to ask him if he wants to hang out again soon and see how he responds.  thats so nerve wracking!  but, i can do it!  being aggressive is my new thing!  if i can convince myself to do it hahaha 🙂

night all!